Have you ever been in a place where you feel some great sense of urgency for life in general? I'm having that, and it's totally bizarre. I feel like time's a wasting', and I have to get to it. I don't even know what "it" is. But I do think I know what instigates the feeling. In no particular order:
- My birthday next week. I'll be 39, which borders 40, and that's more weird than I thought it would be. I figured, since Diana got there first, whatever, no big deal. But it is most certainly on my mind.
- Death. Feels like there's been too much of it, close to home. I have a friend who committed suicide two weeks ago, some local kids died in a senseless car accident, and something reminded me of a few classmates who died a number of years ago. While I don't necessarily fear death, the reminders that it could come at any time are unwelcome.
- Health. This one actually goes both ways. There are days where I feel like my body is suddenly extra aware of its age. Shit hurts that never did before. That said, begin able to sustain a two-hour tennis match last week, and not feel bad the next day, has me feeling like I'm correcting the issue. I just worry something might break or I'll get cancer or something.
- Career. This one goes both ways as well. I'm doing pretty well given my age, and a career change after college, but some people are doing better. It's not an issue of ego or envy, more of an observation that maybe I'm not doing the right things. Of course, I'm not one to chase wealth or titles at the expense of my soul, either, so there is that.
- Money. It's so weird how my perception of cash has changed. I used to squander it, now I hoard it. If I can't hoard enough, I get a little stressed. I wonder if I can get to my goals by 60, all while making sure Simon is taken care of for school.
- Marriage. It's wedding season. People are getting married. They're also getting divorced. For me, I'm actually thrilled to have gotten right this time. My marriage doesn't stress me out, it's just frustrating sometimes that I made mistakes the first time around, and the biggest cost was time. I don't know why this has suddenly started to wear on me, except perhaps because of the age thing. I wish someone would have told me 12 years ago, "Don't get married just because it's the next logical step."
The unfortunate result of this non-specific urgency is that it's hard to act on since it's not, uh, specific. I've been pretty good at reminding myself to live a little more in the moment though. I spend time with Simon watching him do mundane toddler stuff, I find quality alone time with Diana, I play a video game now and then, and I've been looking up at the stars more often during hydrotherapy. Life is mostly good.