I spend a lot of time writing about the awesome development and change that a baby goes through, but I don't talk about the transformation that you as a parent go through as much. Sure, some people talk about how you should be careful about what you say around kids (advice I pretty much ignore, for my own kid at least), but there are more fundamental behaviors that I think you have to be aware of.
Let me give you an example. Simon is, at the moment, going through a phase with the way he eats. He tends to toss stuff off of his tray, to the extent that it's annoying. I caught myself responding emotionally, which isn't helpful because I don't think he knows how to interpret anger anyway. But then I also became aware of the non-verbal actions I took to express my displeasure in a very passive-aggressive way. I was pouting, changing my tone and acting like he was an inconvenience me. It's the same kind of behavior that I would try to avoid with an adult.
This was a moment of great clarity for me, because it really brought everything I learned from my therapist post-divorce about how relationships work (or don't). He always made it a point to say that your first lessons in interpersonal relationships come from your parents, and sometimes, that's why people suck at them if they had bad teachers. So at this very important point in the life of my child, I have a very important decision to make about what I pass along to him.
I don't think most people realize when they're playing toxic games with people. The passive-aggressive thing is bad enough, but you've seen people do other things just as bad. The worst is when people attempt to manipulate each other with guilt, something I've seen more couples do than I can count. And that same tactic is often used between parents and their children, so you can see where it comes from. Others will try to position kids or even the other parent against each other to get their way. There's no shortage of ways that the most ugly of human actions can be taught to kids.
I think that's one of the saddest commentaries on parenting. This awareness and willingness to dispense of the toxicity doesn't come for everyone. Just today I saw a friend on Facebook make some abstract status update, and one of her friends made a response along the lines of telling her to just let it go, followed by a response about it not being about her. It was stupid drama that you would expect two experienced parents would not have any part of, and yet, there it was. I'm in awe when I see something like that, because after just one year as a parent, I just can't imagine ever worrying about some kind of drama around underhanded comments on the Internet.
I suspect for a lot of people though, being a parent really does help you to become more aware of how you interact with people, and that awareness can serve you well in your most intimate relationships, as well as those you have professionally. It's one of the neatest aspects of the transformation that parenthood can cause.
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