The blog home of Jeff Putz

Last year I outlined the costs to keep the sites on the air. Things have changed a little for various reasons, and I've learned some things.

First off, the hosted forums are still running, remarkably, on a pair of B1 app service instances, for $24 a month total. That's nuts. Even though the ad revenue tends to be less, the PointBuzz forums run on that platform and tend to have more views. It's surprising because there are only 1.75 gigs of memory. Granted, this is the only thing running on that service. But it's deeply satisfying to see it. The lesser virtual CPU time does mean somewhat slower response times though, averaging around 100ms. That's certainly not bad, but I really like to see sub-50.

The other service has 14 sites running on it, including this blog, some placeholders, my music locker, the non-forum part of PointBuzz and all of CoasterBuzz. It was running on a pair of B2 instances, which includes 3.5 gigs of memory, and it was pretty regularly maxing those out. While not instant, the platform mostly replaced the broken instances, but users would still see some temporary slowness. Sometimes I'd get text alerts too, which is annoying. I did my best to optimize all of the code that streams images from the database, worried that was part of the issue, and did the same on the music locker. It didn't make much of a difference.

What I did notice is that in moments of instability, I'd scale it up to P0V3 instances, and the total memory would just sit completely level and predictable. Odd. I realize that the basic tiers, as described by Microsoft, aren't meant for "production loads," but relatively speaking, the sites aren't particularly heavy loads. P0V3 does have a full 4 gigs of memory, but I don't think half-gig would make that big of a difference. But still, the data was indisputable in terms of stability. See the graph below. Each line is memory usage by an instance. So erratic! Then, mid-Monday, you can see it levels off, and the two instances sit right in the 83% zone and don't move.

I don't know the reason for this. I would assume that something is configured differently in the basic instances compared to the newer v3 "premium" tier. Sure, they turn some features off, but I would think the basic container running infrastructure would be more or less the same. Again, the hosted forums have a similarly smooth usage pattern.

I sucked it up and subscribed for a year on the premium, which will cost about $16 more a month. It's not like I'm making money anyway, so might as well just be happy with the performance.

Every time there's a hurricane in the neighborhood of Florida, friends check-in and express concern, which is appreciated. But aside from the fact that Florida is a huge state, it is not affected by weather in the same way from one end to the other. Specifically, living on the western edge of Orange County, we are about 60 miles from the Atlantic coast, and about 65 miles from the Gulf of Mexico. As you probably know, hurricanes don't persist very well over land.

The big storms are serious, so I don't want to trivialize them. But for reasons I'll explain, they are often more of an inconvenience than anything else where we live. This doesn't mean that they aren't stressful or have potential for damage, it's just that it's more in a zone of acceptable risk. The Saffir-Simpson scale, the categories, are in some ways kind of useless for us, because it only describes wind speed. Sure, strong winds can rip the roof off of a building that isn't built to more modern standards, but water is often the bigger problem. Storm surge, which is the process of sucking water off shore, and then pushing it back on shore at high levels, is the thing doing the most coastal damage. Also, inland areas prone to flooding are at risk when the storms dump a lot of rain quickly. The front right quadrant of the storm is also prone to spawning tornados, which as any Midwesterner knows can flatten an entire town. And anywhere, flying debris can pose a danger.

When Walt decided to build the theme parks, one of the reasons that he did it here, cheap land aside, is that the inland position is less of a concern compared to the coasts. And no, they don't disassemble Cinderella Castle in a storm. Hurricanes weaken over land, because they can't suck up energy from the warm water found in the ocean and gulf. Here in the OC, while there are anecdotal measurements of one-minute wind speed in excess of 150 mph, sustained wind at worst usually tops out in the 50's, maybe low 60's. Gusts can go higher. Charlie, in 2004, sustained winds in excess of 80 mph in Orlando, which as best I can tell is the worst that is has been.

The building code, revised in 2002, has a map that indicates what you have to build for to guard against flying debris, relative to 3-second sustained gusts, which are expected to be the maximums reached once in 700 years. We're in the area that requires building for 130 mph winds. Our house was built in 2017, and it was interesting to see all of the things they do differently here. The lower floor is concrete block for the outer walls, and the upper framing and roof is tied down through those walls to the foundation. There are different kinds of brackets and things securing the roof, and in our case, you could see where it was connected closer to the center of the house, through the interior walls. I don't know all of the engineering specifics, but it's fascinating.

We're not in a flood rated area. The nearest pond is about six feet below our foundation, and the lake three blocks away is probably 10 feet below us. Water has a lot of places to go before it could get into our house. There are building tweaks for blown water, too, in that the foundation has a lip that's two inches lower than the floor, where the blocks sit. That's because the blocks are porous, and as we learned at our previous house, water can blow in under them, at the end of the stucco layer.

All this to say, we don't evacuate from the middle of the state, but people from the coasts do come here. The noise gets intense around the house for a few hours, and then it's over. We bring in the patio furniture and wait it out. We've never lost power, probably because we have a battery that never gets used. If we did lose it, the solar and battery could power the house indefinitely, except for the 240V stuff like the AC, water heater and stove. We have propane as a backup for the grill and a camp burner. But we should have refrigeration, lights and Internet. People hoard gas and stuff, which I find odd because supply chain disruptions to the area are brief, if at all. That, and where are you going to drive to?

Irma's center passed about 20 miles west of us in 2017, coming from the south, and Ian passed about 20 miles south of us in 2022, coming from the west. People get hung up on the eye of the storm, but remember that it generally doesn't stay well formed over land. Yes, the eye wall has the fastest wind over water, but it's not even well defined over land. So when you see those "cone of uncertainty" maps and the line goes right over our house, it doesn't matter for us the way that it would for someone on the coast.

I wouldn't describe any of it as fun, but you just avoid the TV hyperbole and watch the NHC's forecast updates every six hours. We don't have the same risk profile, and history of damage, that the coasts do. The variability of the forecasts can be wild, too, up until the last 24 hours. For example, last night, Milton was expected to bring us wind up in the 50+ mph range. As of now, the models all say mid-30's, which is frankly no worse than a really long thunderstorm. But tomorrow the forecast could call for something worse. Or less.

We appreciate your concern, but it's better directed toward the coastal areas, for sure. If you want to make donations, local organizations in affected areas can probably help the most, and I imagine the American Red Cross is also a safe bet.

About five years ago, I built my own PC, for the first time in at least 15 years, having used Macs in the interim. Last year I went back to a Mac Mini on the desk, and then recently decided to go back to Windows for reasons I wrote about yesterday. Building a computer is definitely satisfying, though the idea that these machines still require big bulky rectangles is a little weird. This time around, I didn't really want to build, provided there were solid options using fairly conventional parts. Lenovo seemed to get solid reviews for their gaming computers in that sense, though the wisdom of the Internet said don't buy anything that isn't well discounted. And so the algorithm pointed me at this monster.

The Mac Mini was $1,600 early last year, which is pretty steep, though the exact same model is now $1,300. When I priced stuff out last year, I probably would have had to spend well over $2,000 for a PC that met my needs. I misjudged the Mac situation, but you can read that prior post for that. What I landed on from Lenovo was a configuration that included an Intel i9-14900KF CPU, the current top of the line in the Core series, and an RTX 4080 Super GPU, the second-best from Nvidia's consumer line. The GPU right now is generally going for around $1,100 by itself. Then pile in 32 gigs of RAM, a terabyte of storage, a water cooler for the CPU, an 850W power supply, and all kinds of rainbow lighting packed into a pretty nice case. The regular price was about $3,200, but it was on sale for $2,000, or $1,900 after a credit card rebate. That's for almost-top-of-the-line everything. And I didn't have to build it! There was some price parity between Macs and PC's for awhile, but the extra RAM and storage costs don't make sense. This was a no-brainer.

The port selection is just OK. There are two USB-A 2.0 slots on the front, as well as two USB-A 3.2 Gen 2 that can do the 10 Gbps. The back has a pair of 2.0, four 3.2 Gen 1, one 3.2 Gen 2 and a single USB-C 3.2 Gen 2. It's not Lenovo's fault that there are so many standards, but why the hell did they include all of the flavors? Not having any Thunderbolt 4 ports (40 Gbps), or any Type-C on the front, is pretty weird for a machine of this caliber. They're less necessary when everything is so baked in, but it's still weird. On the inside, there's only one slot available, in part because the gigantic video card takes up three, and there were two open M2 slots for SSD's, where I dropped in the 4 TB I already had, and a 2 TB to put games in. There were also some SATA cables inside, so I put in a "slow" old 4 TB SSD that I can use for backups. So yeah, I guess there are 11 TB of storage in that thing now. As a side note, cable management inside is well done, and there are no "razor blade" edges to the metal parts in the case.

The system drive that it came with benchmarks around 6,200 MB/s, which is pretty great, while the two others I put in exceed 7,000 MB/s. I can't even wrap my head around that when the fastest thing in the computer I built in 2019 was 1,800 MB/s. The RAM is rated for some speed, but reviewers say that some motherboard decisions limit it from its full potential. I doubt it matters much.

I have a pair of 27" 4K monitors from LG that are five years old. Sadly, one has a dark corner, and even ghosts a little from time to time, which is disappointing. I don't want to replace it until the cost of OLED panels come down. In any case, every game I've tried to run from Game Pass or my Steam library will run at a full 60 fps, the refresh rate of the monitor, with all settings turned to their highest and at the full native 4K resolution. I would expect nothing less for a video card that is ordinarily that expensive. Still, it's something to behold. There are scenes in The Last Of Us that look insanely real, like they're from a live-action movie. The Xbox Series X does an OK job at 3D rendering relative to its cost, but the 4080 Super is 2x-4x at everything. Of course, the video card also consumes more than twice the energy, too.

Setup was pretty easy. The included keyboard and mouse were junk, which is fine because I have my own. The software preloaded is minimal, though first to come off was some McAfee crap. Lenovo has a tool to tweak overclocking the CPU and GPU, which is kind of neat, as well as a utility to find stuff to update that doesn't always come through the Windows Update channel, like BIOS updates. This was recently important because of a fix from Intel for the newer CPU's that were ordering excessive voltage and in some cases damaging themselves. Beyond that, no junk, just a clean build of Windows.

The system runs pretty quietly when you're not gaming, but obviously the fans have to work harder when the GPU is putting off all of that heat. I think the GPU has three fans, plus three on the front of the system, two on top over the water cooler radiator, and one fan on the back, plus whatever is in the power supply. I'm surprised that it isn't louder when idling. Even when you are gaming, it's not distracting loud. It does put a lot of heat into my office, which already runs warm in the summer. Oh, and those fans all have LED's in them that you can set to be whatever color or rainbow sequence that you want. The video card and the water cooler also have the LED's. It's kind of obnoxious, but typical gamer stuff, I guess. On my last self-built machine in the mid-aughts, I had to add some LED strips to the inside, and blue was the only color.

Overall, I'm really impressed with Lenovo general design of the machine, lack of Thunderbolt not withstanding. It's well thought out. I'm very happy with the performance so far. I did some testing in Davinci Resolve, and editing is super smooth, even with multiple streams. Rider, which I use for coding, gets around a large solution easily enough. The whole package is an extraordinary value for the price, and I will enjoy again having access to games.

Last March, I did the math and research, and after being insanely satisfied with my then shiny new MacBook Pro with an M2 Pro, I decided to put a Mac Mini on my desk with the same processor. Initially I was pretty happy with this arrangement, but I started to get frustrated with video editing and the inability to really get into gaming. Let me explain what I got wrong.

Those M2 processors are crazy fast and energy efficient. The developer experience on the laptop has been excellent, despite having only 16 gigs of RAM and a half-terabyte of storage. Video editing was also relatively smooth, because the drive inside could read at about 3,000 MB/s, which is good enough for 4K. Sort of. Actually, it was more complicated than that. The Mini and the laptop have the same specs, it's just that one happens to have a screen and a keyboard wrapped around it. It is not practical to edit anything long-form when you have so little internal storage. But with Thunderbolt 4, you can reach a theoretical speed on external drives that matches what's inside. In practice, this ended up topping out around 2,700 MB/s, which is still OK. Where it gets slower is when you're editing across multiple angles and adding color adjustments or effects. While the experience wasn't bad, I wouldn't quite describe it as good. As soon as you started layering things, scrubbing around a timeline got janky. Exporting and rendering was still fast, but the disk bandwidth appeared to be a serious bottleneck. That's what I get for trivial testing before getting the Mini.

There's also the issue of gaming, of which I've done a lot this year. It's a great escape for me, in a year where I've really struggled with anxiety. It felt like there was starting to be some momentum toward Mac gaming, but it fizzled out. That, and so much of my experience revolves around Xbox Game Pass, which is not a thing on Macs, obviously. When I got the dual-screen laptop for the lighting rig, I was able to do some lighter gaming, and I started to think more that I should have stuck to Windows. The cost then would have been close to equal. The small box just felt a lot more elegant.

As it turns out, costs came down even more in the last year and a half. The algorithm pointed me at a deal that I just couldn't pass up. Lenovo sells a computer that's normally $3,200, with the current second-best video card available and the fastest current i9 Intel CPU. It's topped off with 32 gigs of RAM and a terabyte of storage, and mostly standard parts. It has room for two more SSD's as well. It was on sale, and after card rebates, only $1,900. The video card alone retails for $1,100. Heck, my laptop that's closing in on two years was $2,600. I just couldn't pass it up. I'll do a review after I've had it for awhile.

Two things immediately stand out. The same SSD that I had plugged into the Mini via Thunderbolt went from 2,700 MB/s to 7,000. Yeah, the same hardware is 2.5x faster when you connect it to the inside of the computer. It's more than 2x the speed of the internal drives on both of my M2 Pro machines. That's nuts. It's worth noting that the SSD I originally had for my previous desktop (which I swapped out for a faster one when I passed it to Simon), only did 1,800 MB/s. So the sheer speed on modern PC hardware is crazy. 

The other thing is that, as you would expect, the 3D performance is ridiculous. Set whatever game you have, you set it at the maximum quality settings and the native 4K resolution of the monitor, and it still exceeds 60 frames per second. And I can run all of the things from Xbox Game Pass, Steam and GOG. Just the other day I finished The Last Of Us, and I can't even believe some of those environments aren't real. It's just spectacular.

Should I have stayed with Windows last year? Probably. The cost of Macs get ridiculous when you require more storage inside, and that's on top of costs that are already high. The Mini was $1,600, which in retrospect was high given the lack of storage and RAM, but I figured the sheer processing power was worth it. It would be, if the storage wasn't an issue. The only problem is that building my own last year would have meant steeper prices, especially for the GPU. I've never bought a pre-built PC, ever, but this one is an exceptional value.

I recently did some refactoring on the forums to have background jobs, which do things like update the search index, send email, etc., take advantage of .Net's background job infrastructure. It didn't exist when I hacked together a solution way back in the aughts. The amount of code was cut in half (but offset by unit tests, which I couldn't easily do before). It's really a great example of how far that framework and library has come over the last two decades.

That app is fairly mature at this point, but when I do work on it, I really enjoy working with C#, the language, and .Net, the library and runtime. I think Microsoft made the right decision to open source it all some years ago, and commit to a regular release cadence. It keeps getting faster and more optimized. The language gets more clear and concise. Maybe it's just my long-term familiarity, but I feel like it's faster than ever to get what's in my head into working code.

I don't write code in my day job anymore, which is fine, because I think most people are better at it. But when I'm working with it as a hobby, maybe to maintain some street cred, it's really enjoyable.

I have played a lot of video games this year, which is worthy of its own post. However, I recently finished Starfield, the huge RPG/shooter from Bethesda on Xbox and Windows. It was a huge release from the studio known for the Fallout and The Elder Scrolls. It was the first new "world" that they had put into a game since Fallout. The idea was that it included a massive universe with a zillion planets to explore. Early reviews were critical to say that most of the planets had a lot of nothing in them. I started to play it but didn't go very far. The Fallout TV series started to stream on Prime, and I was so enamored with it that I immediately started playing that.

Fallout 4 is a few years old, but like Starfield, it was available on Xbox Game Pass. That's what's so cool about the subscription, is that you can try a huge number of games without having to buy them, for basically the cost of one game per year. Even for someone like me that I would describe as a recreational player, that's a huge value. Fallout has been a franchise forever, the basic story being that people were sold space in underground vaults to wait out nuclear war, and naturally this involves a post-apocalyptic world to run around in and shoot bad guys and mutants and stuff. I love the end-of-humanity genre, and the TV show just made me more interested.

With this game, I finally figured out what Bethesda's process was. Basically, there's a larger story arc to follow, with various paths, and then there are "factions" to work with that involve additional stories. On top of that, there are a ton of side quests to follow. It's the only variation on the massive game world design that I "got" enough to see it through. I understand though why some reviews of both games were critical, because if you don't understand the primary/faction/side quest structure, it seems like the game is just constant roaming. Fallout 4 managed to reveal the many missions with its, uh, mission menu. Once you get that, it feels like there's forward progress with the option to go about different ways. And there are different ways to go about reaching the end, which I thought was really entertaining. Also, the IP was so beautifully used in the TV show.

Starfield took this structure and made it even better. The slam dunk from a discovery standpoint is that the mission menu straight up separates the main line and faction missions, making it more obvious about how to "win" the game. The only negative is that it wasn't immediately obvious to me that I missed one of the faction stories when I finished the main story. So when I went back to this after Fallout, it felt familiar and improved. The level-ups were similar, the weapons and crafting to improve them were also similar. The added dimension was the use of space ships and crew members, and the crew was a more integral part of your movement through the stories. In fact, one of the achievements even was to reach the "highest level" of relationship. I tend to create female characters in these games (I guess as a reaction against old school shooters with dudes), and when I tried to flirt with one of my companions, it turns out he was gay and lost his partner prior to the story. Then I started traveling with a woman, and it turns out she was open to my advances despite concern for her home planet's view on same-sex relationships. So we got "married" and I got that achievement. Other NPC's came and went, and there were way more of them compared to Fallout 4.

I really liked both games. The depth of the story development, and the detail in the environment design was extraordinary. Fallout was great because it made bits of Boston a wasteland, with nature reclaiming everything, while Starfield created solid sci-fi motifs and truly weird stuff. It's obvious why these games take years to make with insane budgets, because there's a whole lot to create. And it's worth calling out that the technology on which you can play these things has come a long way, too. I played on a combination of the Xbox Series X and a Windows computer (more on that soon), and games are looking more and more like real life.

What's next for Bethesda? Indian Freakin' Jones, in December. It'll be on Game Pass as well. I can't wait.

It's always interesting to me that people who are good at something in one part of their lives are not good at similar things in other areas. For example, a therapist counsels people but stays in an abusive relationship. A doctor who is overweight. An auto mechanic with a broken sink disposal. As it applies to me, a manager who hangs his reputation on product delivery, but can't decide what to do in his free time.

I realize that there's a certain amount of absurdity in this, but right in this moment, on a Saturday, after showering and having lunch, I'm not sure what to do. The thing that's different from work is that there are generally clear objectives in work, and if there isn't, it's usually straight forward enough to reduce ambiguity until you know what the objective is. Leisure has no such environment.

You might be saying that I'm overthinking it, and that is definitely a part of the problem. The thought spirals are real. Between that hyperactive brain and ADHD, it's hard to settle on any specific thing. It's like analysis paralysis, only for doing the shit that makes you happy when you are not engaged in must-dos in the moment. I wouldn't even describe my interests as being numerous, because when I write my yearly retrospectives, there tend to be four or five things that I was all-in on. This year is different, because when I can't decide what to do, I fall back on TV/movies, and harmfully, eating. Video games are notorious for appealing to ADHD hyperfocus, so while that has been a pretty big part of life this year, at least it's not entirely passive, and I can't eat with a controller in my hand.

Let me give you a snapshot of where my head is right now. This is not entirely dissimilar to the aforementioned thought spiral, though this time I'm kind of editing and paraphrasing. Just know that it's a cycle that has probably repeated dozens of times in the last hour.

I've had computers on the brain a lot lately, which makes me think that maybe I need to get back to writing code. I could take that [REDACTED] project a little more seriously and do that. Also, I'm not at all on track to deliver a new POP Forums version this year, and that's not like me. But I do have some items on the backlog to crank through, even if they're not user-facing. Oh, remember that talk I gave on writing code for lighting control? Maybe that's something I could dig into more, maybe I could make my own product even. Although, I do have a real lighting console I've been learning, and last night I even figured out an effect I had in my head. That's cool. I wonder if I could time code an entire song? That's only been in my head since tenth grade. Dammit, why hasn't the Xbox store updated Against The Storm to the new version so I can play the new stuff in the DLC? I could play it via GOG, since I own it there, but I want the achievements. I wonder how many more achievements I can get in Starfield, since I finished the main story. The texture on the back of Xbox controllers is satisfying. The screen on my Windows laptop that I bought for the lighting stuff is really fantastic. Maybe I'll write a blog post. You should really edit your documentary.

Yeah, that's where I am.

Simon spends most of his free time at his computer. It also serves as a significant portion of his social interaction with kids he's met through school. Sometimes it's hard to pull him off the machine for things like dinner and bedtime, and I feel like we need to limit his time or take it from him as a consequence for certain behaviors. But most of the time, I can't.

When I was in junior high (middle school, as they call it now), every minute that I could get behind those IBM PCjr's unleashed dopamine storms. At one point, I decided I'd ask the math teacher if I could take one home for the summer, and just the idea of that happening kept me awake at night. I never got to take home the machine, but I did get to take home a pristine BASIC manual that was in a 3-ring binder inside of a box. I read every page. A year later my dad gave me an 8-bit Atari computer that he scored for watching a time share presentation or something, and the year after that, my step-dad was given an Apple II+ for his "early retirement." I didn't get my own PC until I started working at a CompUSA after college.

I found so much comfort, alone, sitting in front of the screen. It kept my mind off of everything that I didn't like about myself, my worries, my fears, and at times feelings of loneliness. It was a place where I was in control, and could do exactly what I wanted. It was a quiet retreat from places that I didn't feel I fit in. I was resentful toward the adults that didn't understand my obsession for computers as a kid. As an adult, the truth is that I still find solace sitting with that machine. The habits aren't even that different, as sometimes it involves writing code, sometimes it's games. I still feel the loneliness at times, too, when I'm alone some nights.

All of this context is the reason that I find it hard to be critical about Simon's screen time. I think I'd be a shitty parent if I treated his safe activity the way some people did mine as a kid. I get him, even if I get annoyed that I have to call him three times for dinner. If he feels that same sense of excitement, the way that I sometimes do, I can't deny him of that when other aspects of life are difficult. The cold bits of metal and plastic impossibly offer the feelings of a warm blanket, metaphorically speaking.

A few weeks ago, the band Linkin Park announced a new album, new single, video, new singer, world tour, all at one time, and as a surprise to most everyone. Back in 2017, one of the lead singers committed suicide, effectively putting the band on ice outside of some live and compilation releases. Their career to that point had spanned almost two decades, so people of many ages were into them. For me, I suppose I'd describe myself as a casual fan, familiar with their stuff, but only owning a few singles. They were always kind of a standout, crossing genres. I thought it was sad when they had to stop.

The announcement featured a new female singer, who takes up that co-lead role. I'm surprised at just how well she fits into their sound, and I love the new single. The joy from the band on stage for their announcement stream was pretty obvious. The hate on the Internet didn't take long to bubble up, including from the son and mother of the deceased singer (the widow supports the band). The general accusation is that the band is trying to "erase" his legacy and somehow dishonors his contribution over the years.

Here's the thing though. The band has told the story repeatedly that they had not set out to recreate Linkin Park per se, but they did want to make music together again. Then they worked with the singer, started writing, and it felt like a new iteration of Linkin Park. I think it has been respectful and celebrates the passed band member. But I also look at it as an earned opportunity to give it another go. They had no say in seeing one of their own take his own life, and it would be unfair to expect them to just not do it anymore.

We've lost so many great rock singers over the years to suicide. Every time I see Eddie Vedder I'm relieved. Hopefully Linkin Park can continue on for another decade or two.

Hurricane Helene is currently barreling through the Gulf of Mexico, and unbelievably just got upgraded to a 4. It's bad news for the panhandle, and even Atlanta. Heck, it should reach Nashville with the strength of a tropical storm. A week ago it was barely an organized system. Another system in the Western Caribbean could develop in the next week. All things considered, we've been lucky so far this season. Orlando is a weird place, and I have to frequently explain that this is not a place that you typically evacuate from, but rather coastal folks evacuate to. As I like to tell people, it's not serious unless Walt Disney World closes. They've only closed 7 times, and three of those were for the triple hurricanes of 2004, and two were since we moved here, Irma in 2017, and Ian in 2022. And let me tell you, those parks were amazing to visit in the days prior, as they were fairly empty and there was a lot of warning for people to change plans.

As I write this, our measured wind speed at MCO is around 31 mph, gusting to 52. So basically, it's like one of our nasty afternoon thunderstorms in the summer, just sustained. We haven't had any rain in hours, and I'm sitting here on the patio. (With the fan on, because the wind is out of the south, and our patio open sides are northwest and northeast.)  This is as bad as it's going to get today. They called off school, but it's back in tomorrow. Irma was nerve-racking because it was our first hurricane. We were in new construction and up to code, but it was a new experience. The code was changed significantly in 2002, so the potential for damage is pretty low if you're not in a flood zone. For Ian, we mostly slept through it, and both of those storms crossed Florida within 50-ish miles from us. They weaken quite a bit over land, and the center becomes disorganized and not as serious as it is on the coasts.

While I fear for folks in the direct path, we're fortunate that once again it's pretty minor here. And that's why I'm sitting here on the patio, because the sound of the trees and the wind reminds me so much of sound of the ocean. Nature's white noise is incredibly soothing to me, at a time when frankly the world generally feels heavy and kind of sad. I love the fact that I never need to worry about winter coats, or shoveling snow, and living inland in Florida definitely has advantages relative to the coasts.

I'll probably sleep well tonight, though it's terrible that my peace comes at the expense of a lot of suffering elsewhere. I guess it's the risk you take for living in those places.

Back in 2018 I had a bout of stress where I felt like retail therapy would really help, but ended up not buying anything. I'm having another one of those bouts right now. Like, it's really bad. And as I mentioned back then, my approach to this is totally inverted. It used to be that I should have been more discretionary about buying stuff because of everything else. Now I can afford to be relaxed about it, but instead I'm more discretionary than I used to be.

This time I keep mulling over buying a gaming computer, in advance of Planet Coaster 2 coming out. Last year I gave Simon the rig that I built in 2019, and because I bought an expensive-ish video card, it's still pretty great. It might even be a little wasted on things like Roblox and Train Sim World, which aren't super demanding. I spent around $1,600 on that computer, which isn't bad considering how well it still works. But as I've been writing for the last two years, and after passing that computer along, it's hard getting the gaming situation right. Late last year I bought the handheld Legion Go, and an Xbox Series X shortly thereafter. When I bought the dual-screen Asus laptop for the lighting stuff, it turned out that it was adequate for gaming that didn't have a huge 3D component. The scenario not covered is any kind of mouse-and-keyboard game with heavy 3D usage, like city builders and other building sims, or Planet Coaster 2.

So I start going down this rabbit hole, starting with the idea that I would not build my own thing again. So I happened to find a desktop deal from Lenovo that had a $3,200 machine going for $1,900, and that was with a video card that is ordinarily a grand by itself. Basically I'd just go back to Windows on my desk and sell the Mac Mini. But then, there are solid gaming laptops well under $1,500. The screens tend to be non-touch and lower resolutions, but they'll run games well enough. I'd have three different laptops then for different purposes, which seems insane.

In any case, I backed away, and didn't buy anything. Not saying that I won't. I could buy some more lights, various Lego sets, furniture... lots of more useful things. I've finished many video games this year, probably more than in the prior five years combined. They keep my mind and hands busy when the world feels heavy, and it feels very heavy lately. Unfortunately it means not coding or editing the doc. It's just where I am this year.

My spend-to-escape strategy in recent years hasn't been to buy stuff, it has been to travel, especially short-term, luxury kind of arrangements (often DCL cruises). Heck, even our DC trip was kinda like that in March, because the hotel, restaurants and bars were generally premium. I'm just not sure where to go next.

I miss the satisfaction of spending an hour in a Best Buy or CompUSA in the late 90's and coming home with stuff that provided a somewhat enduring dopamine hit.

When the M2 generation of Macs started to ship, I couldn't ignore it. The benchmarks and battery life were extraordinary. My main use of a laptop at the time was for writing software, and even being a .Net guy, it doesn't matter which OS I use. But this generation of hardware reversed a lot of the terrible ideas they ran with years ago that turned me to Windows machines. The silly touch bar was ditched for real function keys, good keyboards came back, and they had all of the ports, for USB-C and HDMI and SD cards, and the smart mag-safe power. I was apprehensive about the cost, $2,500, given the 16 gigs of RAM and only half a terabyte of storage, but I went with it anyway. I was, and continue to be, totally satisfied with this hardware.

But I can't say the same about Apple's software. MacOS hasn't changed much, and to be fair, it's pretty solid overall. There are little things that I miss from Windows, that I find myself always wanting. The file explorer doesn't show a tree view, which is a little annoying. But even more, the window snapping, where you can pin a window to a side tile them. Finally, they just added that feature this week. I still prefer the Start menu style of grouping things, too. Windows had a long way to go toward being polished, especially around its settings, but it's good now. Desktop OS doesn't matter that much to me. I have both in the house.

Mobile is different. Every release of iOS seems to add things that Android (or even the defunct Windows Phone) had years ago, or even from the start. The latest is the ability to organize the launcher icons in any way that you'd like. Also widgets, haptic keyboards, always on screens with the time... it's something every year. Going into the functionality of the photo apps, as well as maps and mail, were also behind by years in some cases. This year they're also, finally, adopting the newer RCS protocol for text messages (the green/blue bubble thing).

This sounds a little like me taking a shot at Apple, but mostly it's just disappointment. I was pretty deep in the ecosystem back in the day, with iPods, iPhones, Apple TV, Macs and iPads. When they started getting certain things wrong, like the laptops, I started to realize that the there was some degree of lock-in that I wasn't crazy about. At the end of the day, I just wanted to use the things that worked best for me.

I wonder how things will go now that Windows runs on Arm processors, and there's some great, less expensive hardware being made with great battery life. Heck, six months ago I bought an Asus laptop with two OLED touch screens, with top of the line everything for $1,700. It's really good.

I've been thinking a lot about anxiety, amidst my constant thought spirals. While I've learned that anxiety is often a product of your experience, and you have to figure out how to respond in the moment, I'm still obsessed with understanding if the context of life is part of what makes it worse. For some reason I think that if I get the reasons, I can better deal with it.

At the basic level, I understand that things that I can't resolve right now are the source of considerable anxiety. Being inbox-zero helps, but there's always something that's further away you need to resolve at work, while at home you are always working to get your kid to adulthood. The reinforcing side effect is that I'm often unwilling to engage in resolving those long-term things. And yes, I know, that's what anxiety is, the icky feelings about what's ahead.

The thing that seems to make it worse is my age and the passage of time. When you're less aware of your impending demise, it's easier to just blow things off, knowing they will pass. That's harder in midlife. Because what if this thing I'm doing is a "waste of time?" The passage of time seems faster when you encounter fewer novel experiences, and this itself is now a source of anxiety. We went to Europe an entire year ago. It still seemed fresh at the time of our last adventure, the DC trip in March. How can an entire year have passed already? I know that working remotely probably reinforces the routine. I feel like the weekends come so fast.

This is why I see a therapist, and she's right that being present in the moment helps a ton to get beyond the anxiety. Listening to music helps me so much. What I do less of lately is visit the theme parks, which are still surprisingly novel (perhaps because they've changed so much). And in the summer we don't have shows, one of my happiest places, where every show is a new experience. I have rediscovered this year that video games are really great at distracting my brain, and I've played and finished quite a few. I do wish I did more social things, but maintaining relationships is exhausting, and trivial interaction feels low-value. Very thankful for date nights.

The causes of anxiety can't be expelled from life. I mean, sure, there probably are some bigger situations and people you can get away from, but the baseline life stuff is baseline life stuff. Focusing on the immediate things is the cure for anxiety, but it's so hard. I think we're wired to be anxious, as a species that spend most of its history trying to survive. Now, in some cases, we may not even need to leave the house very often.

Today is the 32nd anniversary of the release of the movie Singles. Directed by Cameron Crowe, the movie is a coming-of-age bit that takes place in Seattle around 1991 or so. It's the time when the rise of grunge music happened, Gen-X was officially a generation and I was a sophomore in college. Campbell Scott, Kyra Sedgwick, Bridget Fonda and Matt Dillon were the leads. There were cameos by members of Pearl Jam, Soundgarden and Alice In Chains, and sadly the only singer who made it to today is Eddie Vedder. The soundtrack was fucking epic, and remains one of my favorite rock albums of all time. Also, the cameos... Paul Giamatti, Eric Stoltz, Jeremy Piven, Tom Skerritt, Tim Burton, Victor Garber, and of course, the bands.

I don't have to tell you what college is like, even if you didn't go. It's a super weird time when you've been thrust into an adult-ish environment and you're not a kid anymore. Crowe's movies are almost all coming-of-age, and to this day I'm obsessed with the idea because most of life is about that, figuring it out. At that time I still had a very naive and idealistic view of what relationships were supposed to be (which may account for my perpetual single-ness), and this romanticized version of hooking up was deep in my mind. Also, while obsessed with Sedgwick's amazing curls, I was totally into Fonda's dorky, redheaded Janet. Clearly I've always had a preference for redheads, which in retrospect makes it seem inevitable that I'd end up with one.

What I could not have predicted was that, 17 years later, I would actually live in Seattle. Before Simon was born, and with me living in a place that wasn't Ohio for the first time in my life, I thought it might be interesting to try and find some of the locations from the movie. We did find the Virginia Inn near Pike Place, where Steve and Linda meet for water and Giamatti makes out with that woman, and the spot where Debbie gets a flat on her bicycle is also Virginia St. We went to the city center area just before we moved away, which is where Linda rides the roller coaster with the bad date (the amusement rides had recently been removed). We never got to the apartments themselves, but saw the Gas Works from afar, and did go to Showbox Sodo to see Garbage, which was not where the movie saw Alice In Chains, but it was the area.

College wasn't easy for me, but it was a mix of positive and negative experiences. Singles represents a point where I realized how much I loved music and film, which supersedes any issues that I had with that era. To this day, I find myself quoting it, too.

"What took you so long?"

"I was stuck in traffic."

I've noticed a pattern in the way that many people approach educating non-neurotypical kids. They come up with strategies that would generally work really well for someone who is Type-A, neurotypical. I see this frequently with things that experts (to use the term loosely) suggest will help Simon in terms of organization and execution around school work. Even in grown-up work, I've had jobs where "project managers," one of the most dubious of professions, are prescriptive about the way that engineering teams should organize and do things. It only leads to friction and wasted time.

I can't speak for everyone who has autism, and won't try to, but I can tell you that if you want me and a group of people in my charge to do something, you should just tell me what the outcome is that you're after. I'll keep communicating with you and start a feedback loop as we go to make sure that our assumptions are challenged and we course correct to the real outcome that's right for everyone. If you're going to give me a bunch of spreadsheets and mandate ceremony and structure, it's not going to go well. It's not even the busy work that you're creating for me, it's the fact that you're trying to impose same on a group of people who are every bit as different.

Getting back to education, I don't know how you solve for this. Individualized education does not scale in public schools, because they're underfunded and understaffed, and the depth of knowledge and capability of the staff they do have varies wildly. (And sometimes, you get psycho elementary principals that think kids and teachers need to be "managed" at all times.) It puts parents in a particularly shitty position, since we can't figure out what's best for our kids, but we can see what doesn't work plain as day. We're both the bad guys and the entitled. You have to fall back on a strategy that involves throwing everything at the problem until you find something that works, which is not efficient, and totally demoralizing for everyone involved.

What I know now about my own education is that my interests were almost totally driven by getting the degree. I was outcome-oriented even then. I'd guess that 80% of the subject matter I had no interest in. So I did only slightly more than necessary to get the degree, which, as it turns out, almost no one asks about, let alone what my GPA was. High school was kind of like that too, especially by my senior year. The thing that's scary about Simon is that he's already there, in some ways. He always asks how some bit of homework is something that he'll need in life. Yikes.

I don't like all of the prescriptive things from people who are box-checkers. I don't think that way, and I know that Simon doesn't either. He completely disregarded his packing list last trip, and packed one shirt for three days. For the record, I don't think that Diana is Type-A (she's too creative in a non-derivative way), but she's list oriented, while I think that anything that's important enough you'll remember.

If I may project for a moment, that may be the core issue. Many of us spectrum dwellers execute well against the things that we deem most important. Throw ADHD in the mix and this is even more evident. The trick might be to figure out how to promote things in our heads to be the right level of importance. I don't know if that's even possible. Intrinsic motivators tend to crowd out all the other things.

Sometimes I do encounter some text written by someone with ASD, and they're like, "This totally works for me!" But we're all so different that these "solutions" don't always transfer well between people. So here I am, that guy, dismisses the suggestions but doesn't have a clear path to the thing that ultimately helps me.

I saw some random post on social media complaining that, "Everything is about racism." As usual, I wanted to respond with, "Imagine how non-white people feel, and for totally different reasons." I've learned that such engagement is rarely constructive, so I moved on. But the truth is, everything is still about racism, because when you strip out everything else, it's the only thing left.

I am of course talking about the team that has hijacked the GOP, co-opted the term "conservative," and generally brought the vile hate for others into the culture in a way that made many feel emboldened to engage in it. Some of it is just blatant, and there isn't much else to do with it. Trump's debate rant about "eating the dogs," a reference to an absurd conspiracy theory about (legal) Haitian immigrants in Ohio, is hardly a new racist talking point. That's been around forever, but used to be applied primarily to Asian folks. What's so striking about this is that, ten years ago, uttering something like this in public would make it certain that you would not hold any high public office, let alone be one party's candidate for president.

If we back up, "make America great again" was an obvious racist dog whistle from the start. The implied sentiment is that we were better when people of color were not participants in our society, women stayed home and didn't vote, and it was even more dangerous to be out and LGBTQ. Of course they dress it up as if it's a matter of policy, but facts and data do not support their positions. Strip that away, and you're left with the racism.

For example, the things they keep banging on are immigration and crime, and worse, conflate them. They use scary words like "invasion" to infer that you're in great danger. Controlled immigration is not the desire of just one side, I think everyone wants that. But there are a bunch of inconvenient facts to consider. For one thing, crime in the US has been plummeting for the last four years. The FBI is not making that up. Immigrants are less likely to commit crimes than so-called "natives," again, according to the same crime statistics. An anecdote indicating otherwise is not a trend, it's an anecdote (I don't think people understand the difference). Immigrants don't "take" jobs away from anyone, they only add to the necessary business to support a society, which boosts the economy and increases GDP. That's basic economics. Why do you think China is worried about a shrinking population? Because it shrinks the economy, giving it less leverage in world trade.

So when you strip all of that away, because none of the justification for "policy" is rooted in fact, the only thing that you're left with is hate for people who look different. If this were really about the rule of law, the people backing this nonsense wouldn't be supporting a convicted felon.

And with that, let me touch on the "undecided" voter. Various news agencies keep talking to these folks, and it seems like they fall into a few cohorts. The first is just sadly uninformed and doesn't understand civic engagement. The second is the people who make moral equivalence arguments, a throwback to, "All politicians are the same," which used to be more of a thing, but not these days. You may not agree with universal healthcare, and that's fine, but you can't pretend that the folks that want it are the same as people who seek to ban books, limit healthcare and discourage people from voting. And the third I think are people who have finally decided to confront the cognitive dissonance they've engaged in for years, realizing how terrible these hate and fear mongering people are. All three apparently fail to see that anything important is at stake, or at least, don't want to. I'll never understand how anyone can see a person who wants to ditch the Constitution and be a dictator is viable.

Let's stop pretending this is about policy. It's just thinly veiled racism.

Before getting into it, let me set the context again for how the MA Lighting line of consoles works. The more hardware you buy, the more things that you can control. The software is always free, but you can't do a show without a piece of hardware. The "cheapest" complete system in one unit, screens and all, is the Compact model, and it costs $30k, controls about 8,192 parameters, and can control more with networked processing units. If you're curious, the Full-Size model costs $80,000 and 20,480 parameters out of the box. (Parameters are single functions of a lighting instrument, like pan, tilt, dimmer, color, etc.)

So if you're an enthusiast, want to learn and are just starting out, you can do everything in the software on a virtual rig for free, but you can't control any real light fixtures. Without the control surface, you're also having to use virtual keys or shortcuts to program, and virtual faders to run the show, which isn't really how real-life would work. What you can do is buy the onPC Command Wing console for about $7k, which controls 4,096 parameters, but includes no screens and no computer inside, so it's bring-your-own-computer. (You could also buy an onPC Port Node for about $2k, but you're still stuck entirely using your touch screens or mouse and keyboard.) I'll add that the control surface of this is exactly the same as the one on the $30k Compact model, only without the light-up faders. I've settled on a decent setup for this, and because people ask, I thought I'd write down what I have, with links.

• GrandMA3 onPC Command Wing - around $7k depending on the dealer
• Asus Zenbook Duo 2024, Core Ultra 9 version - around $1,700 - Amazon
• 2x Viewsonic TD1655 15" portable touch screens - around $270 each - Amazon
• 2x portable stands (sold under a million brands, all made in the same factory in China, I'm sure) - $28 each - Amazon
• OWC 11-port Thunderbolt 4 dock - around $230 - Amazon
• LED XLR desk light - varies, mine was $74 - Amazon
• Custom flight case for console only - varies, mine was $690 from a local vendor

The point is that you can get "in" to MA for about $10k and have a functional, reasonably robust way to control small to medium sized rigs. I imagine that you could recover some of this cost using it for real gigs, but that's a topic for another day. The only real limitation to me is that using pixel fixtures will burn many parameters. There's a part of me that wonders if they'll up the parameter allowance in future versions to accommodate this, because they've already doubled the onPC versions to the current 4,096.

The disadvantage of using onPC is that you can't just crack open a case, plug in your network cable, and go nuts. However, the set up above comes together in a few minutes, and you'll have four screens available. What makes this manageable is the Thunderbolt dock, because it provides power to the portable monitors and the laptop itself, so you're not burdened by a bunch of power cables. You'll just have the dock and the console to plug in for power. The cables to the monitors carry the data and the power, making it all super convenient. If you manage them with a few zip ties, it's a fairly clean setup. The laptop, monitors, dock and cables easily fit into a laptop backpack. The dock also has ethernet, another thing that might otherwise require a dongle, though I'm using wifi at home (not recommended in real venues). I also have a cable to power the keyboard that pops off of the laptop, because its battery only lasts a few hours. My power strip happens to have USB power, so I just use that. That means the laptop has a single Thunderbolt cable connected to it.

Configuration once everything is connected for the most part just works. The software sees the console and outputs the 4,096 parameters over your chosen network protocols and the DMX XLR outputs. I'm outputting through sACN, and have a few different DMX boxes that hear it just fine without any extra configuration. The only glitch, and it only happens every third time, is that Windows gets confused about which screen you're touching, even though touch and video share the same cable. You have to dig into "tablet PC settings" and launch a process where you touch each screen then press enter. The easy way to check up front if it's right is to drag your finger across each screen, and see it draw a selection box. If it appears on the wrong screen, run the settings.

I've set up my basic show file to put the contextual on-screen encoders above the actual encoders on the console, which vaguely emulates the big consoles. I position the other one over the faders, lining up a playbacks window right in line. I put the masters and such to the left of that. The 15" screens might actually be a little big for this application, but scaling the UI and matching it to the laptop screens makes for nice large targets. So far I've never fat-fingered the wrong button on a screen. It feels like the laptop screens are best used for sequences, layouts and selection grids, though preferably on the lower screen. The top one is better for 3D or things that you monitor but don't touch often, because that screen isn't as stable as the others. The Asus has a solid hinge, but it still has some give.

I'm sure most people start their MA journey on a computer, but it is like a different world when you have the Command Wing in front of you, especially with the screens above it. Coming from a previous career in broadcast, I appreciate well made, durable, heavy gear. This thing is heavy and solid. The buttons are not clicky like a keyboard, and remind me a little of certain on-air broadcast radio consoles. There's one 4-pin XLR on the back for a light, and mine is not official MA. The AC plug is locking. I've tried the DMX outputs, but generally assume I'll be using networking. The faders are motorized, but not backlit with color LED's like the Compact and up. It's probably not a huge deal, but the colors would be good visual cues to know which executor page you're on without looking up at the screen.

When it comes to the software itself, I don't have a ton to compare to. I've written some stuff experimentally, I've played with ETC EOS a bit, and I've seen a ton of electronic but manual boards that, at best, store cues. Conceptually I understand what it should do because I'm a nerd and I go to a lot of shows, concerts and theatrical bits. As a developer, I find that the conventions are very much like object-oriented programming, almost to a fault. That works to an extent, but I find it clumsy to "debug" when you aren't getting the output that you want. In software, you have what's called a stack trace, that allows you to walk through the code at every step. In MA3, you have a bunch of tiny icons on different tiles on various screens. Even if you can remember what they all mean, it's not always easy to see how things are related. There has to be a better way.

Still, the more I work with it, the more I can translate something in my head into actual output. I'm attempting simple things with the six Chauvet Intimidator 260X's I have, and recipes are extremely powerful to create looks quickly, and reuse different components. I need to design (or download) a bigger rig to try more interesting things, but I don't think that I'm there yet. Admittedly, I'm not spending as much time on it as I'd like.

One thing to note is that MA3 appears to draw each window as an OpenGL 3D surface. Every window, that is, "screen" in the software, increases the use of the computer's GPU. For mine, it's roughly 20% GPU for each screen, so with four open, it's at a constant 80%. That's not even with the 3D visualizer open, which adds even more load. This is enormously inefficient, and disappointing that it's a thing. I realize the software is optimized for plugged-in consoles, but in this state you can't really use it on a laptop for long periods solely on battery. It's a huge power hog.

Outside of the hardware and software itself, there is a robust community out there willing to help and answer questions, which is fantastic. I'm surprised at the number of people who have plenty of hours behind the $80k machines. Then again, once you know what you're looking for, these things are everywhere. And if it's not an MA console, it's probably ETC. I see both in the theme parks all of the time.

Overall, it has been a good experience so far, even with the "cheap" version of the hardware. I still hope that they change their licensing model to include more parameters (something that the Capture design software should also do), because of the higher requirements of compound fixtures and pixel bars and such.

Thinking about that buffer between work and life, it occurs to me that one of the things about working remotely is that there is no commute to help with the buffer. Don't get me wrong, I love my office. It's very comfortable, dare I say cozy, and having done four different jobs from it, it's one of the few professional constants that I've had. But part of that commute buffering for me was a whole lot of music.

I've said this before, but for a guy that doesn't play any instrument (middle school trumpet not withstanding), I hear a lot of the detail and depth in music, and I kind of wish that a desire (and lack of ADHD impairment) would have led me to learn more. Nothing makes me feel like music. It's hard to explain to people. When I am deep into a piece that I get, that makes me feel stuff, it's like I've left my body. I know that sound dramatic, but it's true.

This is why I go out for lunch so often, too. Some time in the car is time to listen. Maybe I just need to make time at the end of the work day for tunes. Last night we got into a spiral of music from our youth, and that was fun. Diana has seen some shows that I did not.

In software, we have a concept known as separation of concerns. The idea is that parts of your code do different, single things, so there's less overlap. Maybe an analog in real life is the difference between a multi-tool and discreet screwdrivers and wrenches. You may know from experience that the multi-tool can technically do the job of many tools, but it probably doesn't do any of them as well as the discreet tools. But in software, the biggest benefit is that the discreet bits are easier to maintain. If you wrote code to launch a rocket, you wouldn't do it all as one continuous block. Instead, you would have different parts to monitor pressure, open and close valves, gimbal the engines, etc.

In life, whether or not we separate our concerns I think depends a lot on what we do to make money. I suspect that most of us who are not artists try to create some separation between home and work, the so-called work-life balance. I used to be able to separate the two pretty easily. I've never really made work part of my identity, but what's interesting is how it seems harder to separate the two the longer I'm at a job. My current gig is the second longest I've been at any job, and it'll be the longest in January. With time, I think it's natural to care more. What I find challenging is that, when things are challenging, it's harder to separate work from home. I've had a few weeks recently where my frustration levels were high, and I found it difficult to approach things more clinically and less emotionally (and it's mostly been with stuff outside of my team). So I end up bringing that frustration home, think about it in the shower and generally feel cognitively spent by the time the weekend rolls around.

I imagine that most people derive value out of what they do, they're proud of a job well done, and they enjoy it to some degree. I'm no different. But really, it's the people engagement that's rewarding. I can't tell you what specifically I was doing at work 20 years ago, but I do remember the people. Despite this, in the moment, we place so much emphasis on the work itself, and the outcomes affect the way we feel in the short term. Isn't that weird?

My suspicion is that it's different for people who make art. Even if you were just a PA on the set of the first Star Wars, you remember that job. Musicians, actors, lighting designers, grips, electricians... anyone who is putting on a show... I'm not sure how you could separate those jobs from your life or identity. That's why I envy people who are able to make a living doing that stuff. I make the assumption that if you have fewer separation of concerns, you feel more fulfilled and have a sense of purpose.

To be clear, I like what I do. I've been in a position to solve real problems with technology, and that is validating for sure. But I like being able to walk away from it on a Friday night and dive into hobbies, movies, video games or whatever. It's just felt harder to do that lately. I talk about that pendulum of engagement where work is just something you have to do at one end, to being the thing that defines you at the other end. Surely the right spot on that arc is somewhere closer to the middle.

For the last 24 hours, the unexpected return of the band Linkin Park has been pretty much owning the algorithm. If you're not familiar, the band with all of the Gen-X anthems of the aughts, lost its singer in 2017 when he committed suicide. Last year they released some stuff from the vault, including a song called "Lost" that was pretty good. I remember thinking, you know, I've only bought a few singles, but their sound had a prominent place in music for a very long time. It kind of made me sad that we'd never get anything more. As it turns out, that isn't what happened.

Over the last few years, most of the rest of the band would from time to time hang out and write, and collaborate with a new female vocalist. Their drummer didn't want to do it anymore, so they found a new collaborator there, too. They weren't sure if any of this would work out, which is why they kept it secret, but then they unleashed it all last night, with a new album coming, some world tour dates, and a forthcoming US tour. They'll be playing arenas or larger again. They will be different, but the same, if that makes sense. They'll continue. If their live stream is any indication, they're going to have a lot of fun.

I admire what they're doing. I've lost friends to suicide, and you can't really rationalize it, and you definitely can't dwell on the idea that you could have prevented it. It sucks, because their heads were in such a terrible place that they couldn't see any way to continue. The rest of us are left with the task of continuing without them, which is difficult in its own way. This band, they found joy in their music, and decided that they could respect the legacy, while continuing on.

That feels like something we should all think about. Life is difficult. Some people experience more friction than others, and it's rarely as simple as choosing not to have the friction. Mental health, physical health, discrimination, financial stress, careers, parenting, relationships... life comes with a lot of pain. I'll be the first to admit that I find myself wallowing in the worst of it sometimes. As I said, it's not really something you can choose to avoid. What we can do, what we must do, is figure out how to continue. It often takes time, but as I get older, I feel like there's less time to get to the point of continuation. Suddenly it seems that the healthy part of working through your shit has to happen faster.

I have never thought about suicide, which statistically is more rare than I expected (depending on which studies you read and which cohorts they include). For me, maybe I've had it easy, because continuing is the only option I've ever considered. I wish that were the case for everyone. So maybe we just need reminders now and then. Things can't suck all of the time, and if it feels like they do, we need to know that it's OK to ask for help.