2005 Retrospect Part III: The me

This was the part of my look back at the year that I found most difficult. I guess to explain why, I just have to go to it.

This was, without question, the worst year of my life. I've endured more trauma this year than I have most of the rest of my life. It has not been pleasant. But here's the weird thing... it has also been one of the best years of my life (maybe second best if I had to rank). I know I'm being ambiguous here, but I think the last month or so of 2005 was about trying to reconcile this seemingly impossible contradiction in conditions. The idea that, yes, the worst of times can include the best of times, because life is a continuous gray area.

What does this mean? It means that bad things happen, you experience unpleasantness, misery even, and yet great and better things can come out of those negatives. The biggest challenge is to process the negatives so that you can see and celebrate the positives. It's not easy, particularly when it involves feelings of loss and sadness.

So while I'm not going to go into the negatives, there were a lot of great things that happened to me this year that I can't deny have been great, and to a certain degree, provoked by the negatives. Probably the first good thing, and the thing that I frequently forget, is that I wrote a book, and it came out in March. In that interview I had today, the hiring manager seemed fascinated by that, and a lot of friends say that I don't give myself the credit that I should. It certainly is an accomplishment.

I experienced piercing this year. That's something that makes a lot of people cringe I'm sure, but the first one (two) led me to a very spiritual realization about caring for myself and really understanding how to look out for myself. The only downside of that is I wish I could decide what to pierce next, if anything, and what the associated goals with that would be.

I lost weight this year. A lot of weight. None of my clothes fit. The need to do this came out of the idea that I didn't like myself very much, in combination with the above realization. It wasn't a vanity thing at all as much as I just didn't feel healthy. I'd still like to knock off some more, but I'm pleased with the start. My measured vertical leap is now back up to 21", higher than it was in college. My short ass can reach 9'2" now from a standing jump.

I eat better too. I'm a long way from embracing veganism, but I've found alternatives to stuff I used to eat, I eat more (but not yet enough) vegetables, and I've cut beef out of my diet entirely, for about seven months now. I really think that has a lot to do with how I feel and how much less I weigh. That's been a big challenge though, because it really is a lifestyle change. You can't cheat and eat fast food and eat better next week. It's something you have to fully commit to every day.

I coached high school volleyball this year. It was amazingly rewarding. Dealing with a couple of parents made it a complete pain in the ass, but the trade off was worth it because I saw kids meet goals that I originally thought might have been too high. It's amazing that a 17-year-old kid that you're trying to make a better person can in turn make you realize things about your own abilities just by doing their thing. It makes you realize how capable young people are, and also helps you remember that you can be the same way.

I did a lot to strengthen my friendships this year, and re-established one I thought long gone. I don't have a lot of deep and close friendships. I used to think that was bad, but the truth is that those I do have are very much a big deal, and I get immeasurable happiness from those friendships. Realizing this has caused me to put forth the effort to keep up on those.

My original intention on the year in review was to slam it, be done with it, and move the hell on. The truth is that I can't deny that a lot of good things came out of it. It's just so hard to believe that a bad year could lead to good things. It makes you wonder if the desire to avoid conflict, sadness and confrontation can ultimately make you more unhappy than if you dealt with it, processed it and eventually continued on with life. It's not easy.

So all of that said, I welcome 2006.