I'm feeling kind of bad about myself today. I had my follow-up with my doctor after labs last week, and to no surprise, my triglycerides are still high. They're incredibly erratic, which is something that I don't understand, but they were just on the edge of good in July, and that was after a cruise full of alcohol and delicious carbs. More than anything though, I know that my biggest problem is that I just don't move around enough. My second biggest problem is I love potatoes and rice and pasta, and eat too much of all of it.
The results aren't surprising, but they certainly come with additional self-loathing when your doctor is obviously frustrated because she can't medicate my way out of this. And I'm so tired of people on the Internets who continue to make this sort of thing just a problem solved by will, and if you don't have that, you're a shitty person. (And by the way, fuck those people, especially if they're selling some "fitness" shit and believe they're some kind of advocates for whatever.) If I strip it all down though, the suboptimal feelings are rooted in the fact that it's something that I can't fake or buy my way out of, and while I fundamentally understand the solution, I resist it because I don't want to be held accountable for yet another thing when I feel like I'm being crushed by a mix of obligation and shortness of time. That's some serious midlife shit, right?
I've been looking for little victories lately. I mean, my last blog post was about getting my air conditioner drain unclogged. That's digging pretty deep for validation. Bigger things that take a long time don't come as easy to me, maybe because of ADHD, but at least it explains why I've never been able to make a movie or start a legitimate business. Can I go into that doctor's office in 12 weeks and show her that I did the work?
On the food side, I eat a lot of convenience food, which is to say burritos and noodle/rice bowls when I'm out, or that salty-ass stuff from Schwan's at home because it's easy enough to toss something into the oven. I'm not really a big drinker, mostly indulging my rum enthusiasm on Friday nights, and rarely during the week (though all bets are off on vacation). There seems to be consensus though that any alcohol is a huge driver of high triglycerides. I'm a picky eater, which is another thing I can chalk up to my recent-ish ASD diagnosis, but it gets me into trouble. The last time I worked my way out of that, in divorce days, was to adopt a lot of faux-chicken products that were low in salt. What's strange is what I already don't eat. I haven't had red meat in 18 years. I already gave up soda at home at the start of the pandemic, which I really thought would have enormous consequences on my tri's. I still have one out maybe once a week, but I'm not sucking down 16 ounces a day. I generally don't eat fried food more than once a week. I'm not regularly eating baked goods or candy. The only lever I have left there is to back off on the tater tots and Asian fusion.
The exercise is more obvious. I don't. It's particularly bad this time of year though, because honestly July to mid-September, I don't want to be outside. It's humid as hell in the morning and raining in the evening, which makes it worse. Fortunately we're at the tail end of that, but getting out of bed to move is a struggle. I'm not sure why it was so easy for me when I moved here. I have a stand-up desk, but raise it at best once a week. I just loathe exercise for the sake of exercise. I've never been able to do it.
So I'm going to sulk over here in the corner and cry into my burrito. Then I'll probably try to change my behavior.