We returned from a five-night cruise yesterday, which could not have come at a more opportune time. The prior week included a confluence of things that added up to knock me down in a very hard way. Losing Finn was certainly the hardest part of all, and coming home without him greeting us at the door isn't making it easier.
While I generally write about things in search of a conclusion, or some kind of action to ponder, that isn't this post. In this case, I think it's important to admit something that is hard for everyone to do, to admit that we're not happy. I've written many times that contentment and happiness are often used interchangeably, and not the same thing, but right now I would not describe myself as either one. I'm not weaker for it, or flawed, it's just an observation of fact. If I can't admit it, I certainly can't take any steps toward making it better.
Interestingly, I think the Finn thing inspired other feelings and fears. It happened so fast, and he was so young. All of my previous cats, we knew it was coming. Either they were old or had some kind of old cat illness, so while sad, it was possible to smile and be grateful for the time that we had with them. We didn't get any of that with Finn, so I'm just left sad and angry. If that weren't enough, things about time tend to bleed into everything for a midlife-er. It makes me question everything, which is itself an exhausting way to exist.
I probably won't write about the gaggle of other things that all hit together, or are pending, because some things just aren't very shareable. Obviously some of it is around Simon's school challenges. Rest assured that Diana and I are fine, as we tend to have to tag team each other with shared challenges.
Yesterday I just allowed myself to wallow in the sadness. Today I might still be doing some of that, but writing at least helps desaturate the thought spirals that make it hard to do much of anything. It's also possible that I may write the rare unposted composition.
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