An uncomfortable college memory

Carrie's post got me to thinking about an uncomfortable memory from college in what was really a kind of dark year for me overall.

My sophomore year, I was an RA, and my hall director arranged an off-site retreat for us. I figured, you know, we'd hang out and do whatever, but the point was really to get fucked up.

Now understand that I had never really had much to drink, let alone get drunk at that point. I was really apprehensive about alcohol in general because of all the alcoholism in my family. Not knowing anything about my own limitations, all I really knew is that I didn't want to go down that road.

We ended up doing nothing other than getting a hotel room and buying a shit load of beer. It made me uncomfortable and feeling unsafe. I was also very angry. So when they busted out the cards and the beer, I played the "not feeling well" card and curled up on a bed and tried to ignore what was going on.

I remember facing away from them, and even crying a little at one point because I was angry. I mean, it was our job to make sure people wouldn't be drinking, and this is where we were? They made me feel like a piece of shit.

It got worse too. My hall director actually had the fucking balls to tell me the next day that I wasn't being a team player or whatever. This is the same self-righteous asshole who told the Indian guy on our staff he was going to hell because he was Hindu. (As an aside, I loathed that guy once I was out of there and realized he was the worst kind of person, someone who thinks they're good, is perceived as good, but really is representative of the world's problems.)

That was a shitty year in general because I just didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. Even in my success in radio/TV I didn't feel like I was a part of things there. I was in "like" with this girl I could never see because I couldn't drive (and no Intertubes to keep in touch daily). It was really a fucked up year when I think about it.

That summer, I had my first real exposure to alcohol, and it was even legal, in Canada. It was a safe and comfortable environment with a couple of friends. Drinking never quite became a sport for me after that, but I was able to explore it in a pressure free way that I think to this day allowed me to make good decisions. I get what I'd describe as "drunk" a couple of times a year, and generally only when I'm at home or able to walk to where I'm staying.