Adam Savage, of Mythbusters fame, recently said in a live stream that when he first visited San Francisco, he knew it was where he belonged. He was there for a wedding, and it just felt right. A year or two later, he moved there, and it's been his home ever since. He's fields a lot of questions like that, including those about feeling like he was supposed to be at a specific job or whatever.
I've started to write some flavor of this post a dozen times. Maybe I even finished one in some form and just don't remember. I've thrown it away time after time, because I was worried that it sounded sad or pathetic, or maybe just noise. But I'm going to put it out there anyway.
I don't think I have ever really felt like I belonged.
I mean that in almost every context, whether it be in work, geography, hobby endeavors... all of it. I think about it a lot lately given Simon's entry into high school, and his own social difficulties. When I first realized this some time ago, my initial reaction was one similar to the stages of grief. I had already been in denial, then I was angry, I skipped bargaining because it's probably attributable to ASD, then I was depressed about it, and these days I just accept it. I am wired this way, and it's not really anyone's fault. Sort of.
What does it mean to really belong? I think at the very core of things, it means being respected, valued and appreciated. Outside of my romantic relationships, I don't think I've ever really felt all three of those things. Some of my former volleyball "kids" have voiced these, even a few of their parents, so I guess it's not completely rare. But I've never really had it in work or family situations (not counting current scenario as the parent of a teen, because teens).
I believe that it's also about your identity. I'm not even sure what my identity is, which sounds a lot like I don't know myself. That's not it though, because to me identity is about how you fit and find purpose in your world. I can't say for sure that I've ever found "my people," or been in a place where I really fit in. I think the closest I ever got to it was when I started working in commercial radio, though when I accepted how terrible that business was, that sense of belonging disappeared very quickly.
This experience begs the question of whether or not it even matters if one must feel like they belong. If I've gone this long without, do I really need it? I don't need a ton of deep relationships, and I don't have the mental bandwidth for tons of trivial relationships, so I don't think that belonging is important to me in a social context. Maybe that's a lonely place to be, but maybe not. Being respected, valued and appreciated is also something that I've just adapted to not getting, so my motivation toward most everything is intrinsic and internal. Admittedly, this is something that wears on me over time. I don't need a high five for doing my thing, but I do want one now and then. External validation feels good, even when we're predisposed to relying primarily on ourselves for finding worth and satisfaction in our environment.
In Adam's description of belonging, he specifically talks about the feeling of exiting a building, looking around, and being overwhelmed with a sense of finding the right place. I've had that feeling so few times. And I want to be clear that it's not the same as feeling confident, though I imagine that's certainly easier when you feel like you belong. I don't think that I could have gotten this far in my second career if I didn't have some measurable confidence, especially given all of the rejection in various job searches.
What have I been doing with this? Nothing, really. I accept it for what it is. But I do think about it in terms of whatever my third act really entails. In not-too-many-years, I hope to be in a place where I can walk away from my career and try something else. Maybe that's where I belong. In the mean time, don't feel bad for me. I don't feel bad. Maybe my intent is to point out that if you are in a place where you truly feel like you belong, appreciate it. It's not a given.
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