I feel like I spent a lot of time catching up today. I'm still not feeling 100%, so it wasn't easy. I went to work for half of the day, and left because I was getting the whole chills/sweats thing again. Napped it off and did some work for home in the early evening.
I had a growing pile of stuff on my desk at home. Statements to reconcile, club memberships to process (quite a flood since announcing the events, a good problem to have), bills to pay.
When I finally got to the bottom of the pile, I went out to the hot tub for a little while to try and get out of my head. This of course did not work or I wouldn't be writing this. You know those scenes in movies or on TV where they show the clouds moving across the horizon in high speed? That's what it looked like when I was sitting out there. There was nothing peaceful about it at all. A spark of lightning and I had a sudden sense of urgency to not be sitting in 425 gallons of water.
But the image of those clouds is so prevalent in my head. It's that metaphor that time is passing by quickly, you know? As generally content as I am with most parts of my life, the passage of time still fucks with me. After spending time in Orlando, and seeing happy families doing happy stuff, I get a little concerned. I want to have one of those too, but the process of meeting people and finding the right one is so time consuming. Being self-aware about what makes an ideal relationship is kind of a burden because you can no longer settle for glaring flaws like poor communication, head games, hang-ups, dishonesty, and most importantly, a lack of unconditional support and love.
This particular segment of life also gets me thinking about the other problem I have, my inability to live entirely in the moment with disregard for the future. You can't live like that 24/7, but if you don't do it at all, you miss something. Right now, I'm thinking about how we're doing media day stuff, about how I'm making zero progress on CB4, about who is gonna go with me to the June BMG show, about when I'm going to plan the luau, how soon the Hershey event is, and perhaps most ridiculous, how my presentation is going to go down at a conference in freakin' November! Shit that's seven months away has no bearing at all on my life today, and yet I can't stop thinking about it.
Those clouds are relentless. I hope there's a break in them soon so I can enjoy the stars that appear there normally.
I'm in a similar vein. I'm already thinking about next winter and heating costs, and I haven't even finished this winter.
I'm trying to figure out the trips I have planned, how my next few paychecks will be spent to put me on the road to new windows and insulation, and in the mean time, try to learn C#, while scripting a few video projects I have in mind.
Crap. Car insurance is due soon. Blargh.
I can definitely relate. My constant preoccupation and often times worry about the future or what is coming next is not just a phase for me, but a way of life. I have to work hard at not giving in to it.
For me the challenges came when I got divorced. All of a sudden the plan I had for how life was going to go was no longer valid. I had thought I had it all figured out and instead I was starting over again without any sense of how things were going to work out.
It has taken me a long time, but I believe I am getting my feet underneath me now. I realize that life for me isn't really about any plan at all, but rather about working at making each moment count to the fullest.
Hang in there. I have no doubt the stars will return
I think the hardest thing is like Ty said in his blog, realizing that the path that others take is not necessarily your path. Think of how us females feel, knowing that we may only have five, ten, whatever more years of fertility and "mom" time. That's a hell of a deadline! Maybe that's why I love animals so much.... they are ignorant of their own mortality. I can look at Cosmo any second of the day and she gives me that unconditional love you were talking about (staring up at me with a ball in her mouth right now) and she doesn't worry about what's to come. I envy that.
I think we all do that. It's something that I've lived with all my life. I have a tendency to always want things organized and my future planned out and secure.
So imagine what it does to me every time a wrench gets thrown in, like Gordon losing jobs (for the 5th time in 20 years) and having to deal with a parent with Alzheimer's where nothing is under control or static for very long.
I find myself envying people who are single and only have to deal with themselves. Yet the people I envy are generally longing for the responsibilities that come with a relationship.
Go figure.