Like anyone, I can get into these weird modes of self-loathing. Self-awareness is valuable, but taken too far, it gets to be hating on yourself. My thing is that, especially in the last year, I feel like I'm a slug that just consumes stuff. I'm not making things, which is something I ordinarily get a lot of satisfaction from. And I understand the reasons, that there's only so much I can output in the larger context of life, work and parenting. Also, giving more than you take seems like an important quality for a "good" human being.
But if I get deeper on that subject, I also think that there's a cultural contract that no one really signed up for. It doesn't make sense that everyone could produce more than they consume, and so it's not reasonable to have that expectation. I realize that this is abstract, that the "what" of consumption and production is vague, but given a diverse population with a range of skills and interests, there's just no way that everyone can be more of a giver than taker.
Lifetime, I feel like I've given more than I've taken. There are specific ways that I view that, and I doubt a third-party would agree with my assessment. That's OK, because I'm really not looking for validation or approval, I'm just saying what I believe. I also don't want this to sound resentful, because the reality is quite the opposite. I get a lot of joy from the outcomes resulting from what I've offered. If I get hit by a bus today (though I'm not planning to leave the house), I think I will be content with what I've contributed.
The better measure, to me, is not where anyone fits on that scale of consumption and production, but whether or not they've left the world better than they found it. Both sides of that equation can affect that better outcome. That seems like a more reasonable thing to strive for.
But I still want to get back into maker mode.
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