Contribute

I've been suffering from something cold/flu-like the last few days, which is weird because it's the second time in two months. It's rare for me to get this twice a year, let alone twice in close proximity. Maybe Seattle has different bugs, or mom brought something from Florida.

In any case, being on my ass and not able to really engage in anything has caused me anxiety. I've noticed that this anxiety is rooted in a need to contribute (which is hard whilst on your back). It seems like a new thing in my personality, or at least, not one I was previously aware of. I think it started after moving, which kinda makes sense as everything about the move represents a new start.

Successfully contributing to the world is certainly gratifying, though I don't necessarily seek praise for anything I contribute (which is not to say I don't like a little praise now and then). I think the desire in some way is connected to making good on the new start. The thinking goes that contributing means getting the most out of life's crazy reboot of the last year.

Some of that comes from work, where I want to have impact on what we do yesterday. I find myself struggling to understand some days how to do that. Maybe it's the interruptions of the holidays and the parental leave. Maybe it's the giant scope of the company. More than likely, it's that I've become so used to working in small companies or consulting, where you encounter people so clueless that the bar for achievement is a lot lower than you realize. (No, former co-workers, ICOM isn't one of those places. :)) I've started to have conversations with my boss about how I can ratchet things up.

I have even more anxiety at home though. Being not-well put me on Simon probation for a couple of days, which is the worst when you look at how cute he is. But I also hate that Diana has to take on more Simon time than me, even though in the obvious sense I have to be at work. I can't even tell you how amazing of a mother she is, undoubtedly because of her incredible independence. But I want to do more whenever I can, to be the hero dad.

It's funny how you change your approach to life. Right after college, the goal was to achieve as much as possible, as fast as possible. Now I just want to be a contributor toward awesome things. The common thread is that if you spend all of your time worrying about [current life goal], there's a good chance that you might just miss enjoying life as it stands today. I have to make it a point to let go of anxiety and take Ferris Bueller's advice.