One of the things that I find myself doing for myself a lot lately is (wait for it, it's another autism thing) trying to explain why I was a certain way at a certain time in a certain situation. It's the whole reframing journey that I've been on for the last year. There have been some really constructive realizations in that process, not just around the autism diagnosis, but the ADHD. My entire academic history looks entirely different, and I now understand that blowing the curve in Broadcast Law while barely getting through Intro to Psychology makes perfect sense, and it wasn't because I was enduring personality flaws.
The other related aspect is that I believe I've been spending a great deal of energy avoiding the disapproval of people. What a weird thing this is to think about. I have, for many years, not really looked for acceptance or approval from others, because I never really had it in the first place. Ever. That sounds sad, but I'm not looking for sympathy. It is a genuine surprise and I almost feel embarrassed when I do receive any kind of praise or acknowledgement. I don't know what to do with it. But while I might not be looking for approval, I definitely spend a lot of energy trying to avoid disapproval. Maybe this is a result of the Internet social loops, especially during the pandemic. This manifests itself by me thinking more closely about every selfie I post of myself with Diana or Simon, and how it might be viewed. I have no idea how I got to a point where I care about this, but it's interesting that I make a distinction between seeking approval and avoiding disapproval.
Regardless, I do think about it. I wasn't always this way. Long before the ASD diagnosis, I knew that I put little value in social contracts. I'm not interested in talking about the weather or wearing certain clothes in certain situations. But as an adult, who has learned to cope with the seemingly pointless social paradigms of our society, I tend to consider them anyway, because it makes life easier in the long run.
These two aspects of daily life, trying to explain my very being to myself, and avoiding disapproval from others, is exhausting. So I have to ask myself, why do I do it? The former is honestly part of my current journey of self-discovery, and it's worth it. But I also need to give myself a little more grace and not feel like I need to reconcile it all. Because at the end of the day, to some degree, I am who I am, and I shouldn't need to justify my existence.
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