Feeling clear, focused

posted by Jeff | Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 12:45 AM | comments: 3

I've suddenly managed to land in a place where I haven't been lately: generally at peace with the world.

I think Luna's passing, horrible as that was, set a process into motion inside my head about life, death and feeling out your place in the world. It also removed a great stress in my life. Though I miss that cat dearly, I'm reclaiming my house and it's good to know she's not suffering.

I've gone out with at least ten different women in the last two months. While one was a complete disaster, and most of the others went nowhere, the experience has really allowed me to understand what it is that I need. That clarity makes me feel a lot better about the fact that I've only really met one person I can see myself with.

My little coding projects have largely been put on the back burner, for now. I want more than anything to crank out a new CoasterBuzz, but all I've been doing is making myself feel shitty for not feeling up to it. I've let that go. I'll get to it as the motivation strikes me.

The hot tub thing really forced me to look at where life has taken me the last couple of years. All of that guilt I was feeling comes from the fact that I have been doing nothing but trying to support and provide for others at my own expense. I love to give, but there comes a point where you start to empty out your soul if no one is feeding it back to you. I'm standing up and saying I deserve to give myself something for a change.

Physically, I've been leaning on gallons of soda and burritos to make me feel better, only to realize they've made me feel worse. I got back on "the plan" this week, counting points, getting exercise, and even after two days I feel so much better. I need to hang on to that. The ten pounds of difference I can reach quickly makes a world of difference in how I look and feel.

I'm working hard to make it fun to be me again.

Comments

Jeff, March 14, 2007, 4:16 PM #

I hope to never talk about it again. I told Cath and Kara about it... they can vouch for me that it sucked.

Neuski, March 14, 2007, 2:45 PM #

I would love to hear about the "complete disaster."

Neuski, March 14, 2007, 6:00 PM #

I was expecting the class "made for TV" bad date that would have made a good story. I'm sorry it sucked.

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