Frustration with the world

posted by Jeff | Thursday, January 8, 2009, 10:44 PM | comments: 0

Today was one of those days where it felt like the world at large was just frustrating the shit out of me. I was even frustrating myself. I won't go into all of the reasons why, though that correctly implies that I don't even value my own feelings enough, and that's frustrating too.

I don't know what my deal is lately. I know part of it is just the long periods of gray, but the day to day crazy mood swings are insane. I need to figure out how to level out.

Part of it is that I've been very "un-Dude like" as of late, letting shit get to me that is totally outside of my control. I also find myself getting invested emotionally in a lot of things, which can be rewarding but always runs the risk of extreme disappointment.

And as tax season is coming, I was surprised to see that I actually did pretty well this year, despite the non-working periods. I've also come to realize that it's not the money that I care about when it comes to work, jobs and my own business, it's the ability to earn that matters. I tie a lot of my self-esteem in the ability to earn, not having money itself. I see the ability to earn as a measure of my ability to be a provider, my skill and my value potential to others. The problem there is probably that two out of the three have less to do with me.

Three months from now, I'll be five time zones away, and I find myself hanging on to that. And, you guessed it, I even punish myself for that because I'm not living for today.

I can't turn off my brain, and that's no fun.


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