I just saw this story on ABCnews about the changing gender roles, especially in light of the recession where three-fourths of layoffs are men. It really touches a nerve for me, because it makes me realize that much of my own anxiety is rooted in my need to be a provider.
The first time I got laid-off for real, back in 2001, it really messed with my self-esteem. I was supposed to be the bread winner in my mind, especially since at the time, Stephanie was in grad school. I figured my role was to be the provider. I still feel that way to some degree.
I'm not sure where that sense comes from, because honestly I don't think it was instilled by family or any particular relationship. But ask anyone that I've dated and they'd tell you that I have a sense of duty toward them when it comes to being a material provider.
Indeed, there are many reasons to challenge the way this is all perceived. Being a provider certainly can leave you vulnerable to being taken advantage of. I don't think I've ever had that issue, and doubt I will in marriage. I think I'm pretty sensitive to being taken advantage of.
There's also the issue that women are (slowly) becoming equals in the workplace, so their earning potential is slowly reaching toward parity and there's no particular reason why men should be expected to carry the burden, especially in two-income households.
In fact, the concept of "work" in general has become something completely different than what we were told as kids was normal. There is no pick a skill, do that your whole life, retire. People are finding ways to work independently, at home, men are taking bigger roles in raising children and telecommuting is no longer a foreign concept.
I guess this all causes me to realize that I'm not wandering around in the dark as much as I think I am.
It goes the opposite way too. For years, Gordon had the much higher income and it didn't matter to me if I had a "career" or not. I was happy being the one to take care of child rearing and all household chores. In fact, Gordon had never been responsible for much of anything outside providing income.
Stress in my job was much less because it didn't matter if I had a well-paying job or not.
That's all changed now. Gordon is working in a job he loves, but the pay sucks. It's good for his emotional health to be doing something he enjoys, but now all of the pressure is on me and it's difficult not to feel the resentment that comes from "doing it all".
After years and years of me taking care of everything, Gordon still hasn't grasped the concept of housework or laundry which are "women's work".
See, I've never seen "domestic duty" as something that belongs to one person or the other, though in past relationships I've had issues with agreeing on a frequency for them. Perhaps it's because I lived alone for a few years, but if the laundry is full, I throw it in the machine. I never really want to do it, but at the same time, doing it is never something all consuming for time.
Gordon never really lived on his own long enough to deal with laundry and house cleaning. Even when he lived in a dorm, he and his roommate paid a fellow female student to clean their room once a week and his mother would drive up to get his laundry.
His father, being a firefighter, was never home enough to do even normal "man" chores like house and lawn maintenance, so Gordon also grew up with a mother who worked full time and did it all.