For all of the shit that Michael Bay gets, I think he did a pretty good job with Transformers. The second one was mediocre, but I still enjoyed it and it played true to much of the mythology established by the cartoon and comic. Meanwhile, they barely promoted the other Hasbro toy/comic/TV show of my childhood, and I think I see why.
GI Joe is the biggest steaming pile of shit I've seen in a long time. It was only five bucks, but wow, it was bad. I guess when Dennis Quaid and Marlon Wayans are the only true "name" actors, you should probably expect this. Beyond being a childhood favorite, I wanted to see it because Rachel Nichols was in it, and I loved her in Alias as what I can only describe as the "replacement Sydney" in that show. That, and she looks fantastic as a redhead, playing Scarlett. She was the green chick in Star Trek as well. Aside from Wayans, who had a few funny lines, the characters were boring and poorly drawn. That Channing Tatum guy as Duke is fucking terrible. Yeah, he's the Step Up dance movie guy. Are you fucking kidding me? He can't even talk, let alone act. The kid from 3rd Rock plays Cobra Commander. Can you believe it?
First off, just because you can do anything in CG doesn't mean you should. The 80's GI Joe, from the toys and TV show, to the comic, were at least somewhat rooted in reality. There was some science fiction (remember the "mass device" in the cartoon?), but it was still dudes in planes and tanks blowing shit up, trying to stop Cobra. The movie is supposed to be in the "not too distant future" where apparently physics don't matter, and micro robots can fuck with your brain and eat anything.
And why do so many action directors have to shoot everything so close? Ray Park (Darth Maul in Star Wars, Toad in X-Men) is a fantastic fighter, and gets to play Snake Eyes. Unfortunately, you don't see any of his moves, because every shot is close up on him, where he's wearing a visor that hides most of his face anyway, so there's no emotion. Constant explosions and dudes jumping around erase all sense of speed or direction, and it's just a mess.
Just like the "plot." The movie I think only serves to play out the origins of Cobra Commander and Destro, which ends up being so fucking stupid that you can't stand it. There are two subplots, where Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow have some storied past going back to their childhood, while there's an equally stupid subplot between Duke and The Baroness, all told through randomly placed flashbacks. And for fuck's sake, 15 minutes into the movie I have to hear Dennis Quaid say, "And knowing is half the battle." Someone audibly laughed out loud. Did I mention it was terrible?
What a disappointment. Remember how if you were a fan of Tomb Raider you overlooked that the first movie was mediocre and you were glad at least it had Angelina and some kind of potential for sequels? Yeah, this doesn't even have that going for it.