Holiday malaise

posted by Jeff | Saturday, December 26, 2009, 10:53 PM | comments: 1

While everything is peachy at work and I love being there, the moment I leave it I feel like I don't belong anywhere. It's hard to describe. It's even hard for me to understand, since every day I smile about my surroundings. The holidays have strengthened that feeling of malaise, and I'm not sure what causes it or what to do with it. Being in the same place for so long, and going through the ringer in that locale over life's drama, makes being somewhere else even without the drama entirely uncomfortable.

Maybe that's what I'm trying to figure out... how to be comfortable again. People who know me well understand that this huge of a move is not easy for me. I've also been very outwardly focused again. I get to be a provider again for Diana. I'm excited about feeling out what my path will be like at work and contributing quickly. I've been trying to figure out how to step up my charitable donations. I think about what I can do with my time that's positive for others. All the while, I put the thought out of my mind that I need a little attention, because that's perceived as weakness (stupid cultural programming). In social situations I stop myself from trying to interject conversation about me, which is so not my personality as I typically sit in the background and observe. I let go of the programming long enough today to tell Diana that I needed to be the center of attention, if only for a few hours.

The amount of change in my life in the last few months, positive as it has been, has also been staggering in scope, and I'm way out of balance. The year-end reflection is probably not helping. I think what I need to do is reach out a bit to my friends (and there are a lot of them) who have made drastic changes and moves in their lives to get their experiences. I can start with Diana, of course, as she's had more experience with moving than anyone I know. I've gotta get comfortable again.


Comments

Catherine, December 27, 2009, 5:10 PM #

I knew this move would be tough for you. But it's been amazing to see you step outside your comfort zone in so many ways! It makes me realize how much love you and Diana have - that you can build something from scratch like this with just each other. It's inspirational. I'm tempted to go back to the four agreements and see if there is any comfort there. Ask yourself if these old beliefs or the old definition of yourself is serving you anymore... let those emotions in and sit with them for a while, then it might be easier to brush them away and realize how small they are compared to the love you two have. I'm proud of you, and I am sure you'll continue to get more and more comfortable as the time goes by in your new place.


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