I've had a lot of deep relationship talk, e-mail, IM's, whatever in the last week. It has really caused me to look hard at my past relationships. Being self-aware requires a lot of self-examination, and I want to know what I can do better.
I won't get into what the failures or breakdowns have been, but what I've come to realize is that in most cases, I did the best I could at the time, given my own development. I get a lot of peace from that realization, because it frees me from any toxicity involved with a break-up.
That's hard stuff, because I've been accused of doing a lot of things wrong, or being inadequate in some way, and there are times when that has been true. There was a time where I always wanted to be right about everything too, which made it harder. But in the last year or two, I've mellowed out a lot, and instead of life's big picture becoming more complex, it has actually become more simple for me. I know it's very "Four Agreements" to say it, but you do the best you can, and hope to God that your best is enough for your partner.
I still look back at every relationship for its good points, not the bad. I still try to learn from the negatives, but I choose not to dwell on them. Sometimes you find that the issues weren't about you at all. You've just gotta find that balance where you do what you can without selling yourself out.
Drawing my energy from inside rather than from external factors (family, friends, work, etc) is a challenge that I struggle with all the time. I find myself having to make conscious and deliberate decisions about where my focus should be. Some days I am better at it than others.
Hearing that you have had so much success at finding that balance offers hope that it can be done.
I think you are right. We love the best way we know how and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. What matters is what we learn from the experiences.