I like Carrie's post too

posted by Jeff | Thursday, December 10, 2009, 3:31 PM | comments: 3

Yeah, I'm a Carrie stalker too, and I like her post. I don't understand the cultural expectations that are placed on people when they have no bearing on anyone else, especially when it comes to relationships. I mean, I can't understand how Diana got so far into life without getting married, but not because I think something is wrong with her, but because she's so awesome. :)

The kid thing, the kids club thing in particular, is horribly annoying. I've had more advice and assurance about how things will be than I care to have, thanks. We aren't other people, so you don't know how it's going to be. Fortunately, our closest geographic relatives here, fresh on offspring two, have been very kind in only really describing their own experiences when we've asked, and I love them for that.

And to add to Carrie's angle, sometimes we put the pressure on ourselves too. I mean, I didn't rush into my first marriage, but in retrospect I think we eventually went down that road because it was what we were "supposed to do." Not to say that there wasn't a lot of love, but that alone isn't reason enough to get married.

Generally speaking, I don't care what people do with their lives unless they're close to me. It's no secret that I analyze every move that my friends make when it comes to their personal life, and a lot of it is based on my own therapeutic experience. I don't know if that's right or wrong, and I might be at the age where I don't care, it's just who I am. But for random people I don't really know? Why would I care or even spend time judging what they do in their personal life?

Thanks for getting that frustration out into the world, Carrie. I hear you.


Comments

Catherine, December 11, 2009, 10:55 AM #

I agree wholeheartedly with Carrie's post, especially since I am currently dealing with the perception that it's not OK for me to follow my dreams, or that my career will prevent me from having a family. However, the one thing I take issue with is that being a wife or parent shouldn't define you. I haven't done it yet, but I have seen it in my friends and I do think that becoming a parent is the biggest thing/defining event that can happen to most people. After that it DOES define you to a large extent, and I think that's OK. It's not saying that the other things in your life aren't important, it's just so all-encompassing to be responsible for another life, and to love someone so much.... I think that's why people sometimes give off the impression that nothing matters except being a parent.

Carrie, December 11, 2009, 11:49 AM #

I never really intended to dispute this topic, but I will say, Cath, that while I see where you are coming from, I think there's a difference between offering 100% commitment to something and actually being defined by it. When you ask someone how they are doing and they reply by telling you what the kids are doing this week, that's a sign to me that something's not quite right.

You can offer all the love, support, nurturing, and guidance that parenting requires and not lose your own identity. Kids are also learning from their parents by the example the parents set in their own lives. And if a person no longer believes they have their own individual identity outside of the roles they play to others, then I would question the message they are sending to their kids.

I don't disagree with you about the significance of those life events and how much commitment they require. But I don't think you fully understand what I am expressing as the problem.

Jeff, December 11, 2009, 12:36 PM #

I disagree, Cath. I believe its additive in nature to a person, and not the one defining thing. I too know some very good parents, before and after, and I wouldn't call it the defining thing in any of their lives.


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