Carrie and I were chatting on IM about my general distraughtedness as of late (I made up a word!), and I told her that I was tired of being a whiny bitch. She said, correctly I believe, that everyone has their own reality, and that it's not fair to yourself to rate your distraughtedness against others'.
I guess I just feel overwhelmed right now, mostly by my own doing. I'm trying to work a day job, rebuild two Web sites, stick to this ridiculous volleyball schedule (I think it's the driving that has me loathing that most), enjoy the holidays, and have something resembling quality time with Diana, my cat, my hot tub and a video game now and then.
I suppose there is no getting around the fact that the next five months or so are going to be busy, and there isn't much I can do to change that. That said, I'm trying now to be more analytical about what it is that I need and want out of life. In the last two years I focused on what I need out of relationships, and I think now it's time to think about what I need professionally, and how it merges or lives apart from what I want to do for fun. Some overlap between the two would be ideal.
Here's what I know so far...
Writing code for a living works for me when the environment and opportunities are right. I mostly have that, though I don't like the 9-to-5 thing, and the commute is sucking my will to live (and do other stuff). Related to that, a part of me really wants to write another book.
In an ideal world, I'd work 20 hours a week just on things that are for me, and make enough to support Diana and I in a comfortable and well-traveled lifestyle. That's actually not that impossible, it's just hard and risky to make it happen, and I have an aversion to risk that just causes me to freeze up and not act.
My sites feel like a pain in the ass when I'm trying to rebuild them, but on a daily basis they're relatively easy to care for. They take care of me in terms of my computer equipment and education (books, software, etc.), and that's important.
Volleyball is important to me, but I'm not sure how it fits in my life these days. The next few months will be very telling in that respect.
I want to exercise and read more, but because those things are slightly less important to me, they get moved down the list and neglected.
In the back of my mind, I wonder if it's time for radical change in terms of location. Diana and I have talked about that in a very pie-in-the-sky kind of way. The only thing I remember is that we both like the Pacific Northwest, but she doesn't care much for Central Florida. :) I wonder too if that kind of change would really force a different perspective.
The movie making thing is still on my mind, and I even have a rough idea for another screenplay that is actually a combination of previous ideas. That's something I'd have to act on before any radical change, due to access to friends and Diana's acquaintances in theater and one of the local universities.
Most importantly, I want to just enjoy every moment. I want to create great moments large and small, and enjoy them. Last night we were curled up on the couch watching TV, and it was a great moment. I wasn't thinking about all of this stuff. This is the curse of being an emotional intellectual. :)
That Carrie is so wise, I tell ya. :)
Seriously, though, the only difference between the outward appearance of someone going through cognitive dissonance and depression is the outcome. With cognitive dissonace the outcome will eventually be a better understanding of one's thought processes and an enhanced developmental approach to them. Depression will just continue on as depression.
But the "symptoms" one expresses with both are similar.