More deprogramming required

posted by Jeff | Saturday, April 19, 2008, 9:58 PM | comments: 0

I've had a number of dreams where I was with "formers" and going out of their way to make sure they were content or happy or whatever. This, as the dreams would imply, is something I felt I had to do, and I often felt bad if I wasn't quite doing whatever it was I "should" have. I have somewhat of a provider streak, you know?

I think the reason for this personality disorder surfacing is that obviously Diana and I are getting more serious and I want to make sure that I'm getting it right and providing. But the thing is, I don't really need to be that guy for her. She's ridiculously independent, and she doesn't need me to be happy (even if I make her happier).

Today some of those feelings surfaced while awake. We went over to her house to do a little painting. First, I felt bad, as if I were ripping her out of her house to live with me. That's pretty silly. Then she was painting, and I was being a whiny bitch because my back hurts when reaching and bending around, so I felt I wasn't providing again.

She assures me these things are not problems, but I think I need some time to deprogram. This is a crappy side effect of newer serious relationships, that you tend to somewhat base "normal operation" on what your previous experience is. Granted, my previous experiences were far from nightmares, but there's enough baggage there to undo.

I suppose that, as is the case with any flaws, awareness is half the battle.


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