I'm in a pretty weird place right now. My usual bouts of desire to make things are not there. Actually, it's not the desire that's missing, it's the action. The desire is still there, but it's not translating to any output. And yes, I know that creativity can't really be forced, and that's something that I've grown to accept. But right now, for the past few months, nothing happens. Usually I hit that end of the year retrospective, and I marvel at all of the things that I've done. I don't have much to show for so far this year.
My analytical line of thinking suggests that perhaps it's just competing with other things. Work has included a pretty high cognitive load lately, and I'll be the first to admit that a lot of days land with me having nothing left. I also find that my anxiety lately causes me to just linger in a state of general stillness, as if I'm trapped in a continuous stream of what-if. These are just theories, mind you. I can't really prove that this is the reason for my lack of creative output. I believe that I can rule out depression, because I remember what that was like pre-bupropion, and I did not experience joy. There is still joy, any time I consume art or hang out near the ocean or ride a roller coaster.
Part of my midlife reframe, likely an indefinite process following my ASD diagnosis, has included the pursuit of some kind of identity. Some people find identity and community in their work, profession, race or ethnicity, religion, sexuality, etc. I... don't. It's kind of a lonely feeling. But lately, I look at my ability to make things over the years, and that does feel good. I feel like I have purpose, and sometimes that provides a level of connectivity to others. If I'm hanging on to creativity as identity, and it's not happening, you can understand why I'm concerned.
I think this is just a phase, and that it's not permanent. I hope that's the case. I just want to get back to my creative self, because it feels so good to make things.
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