I keep talking about how I'm not doing the "maker" activities that I used to. Dare I say that I have found some amount of identity and purpose in doing those things. I'm bothered by the inaction, and I can't exactly figure out what it is in my head that causes it. It's odd that we have this concept of free will and consciousness that suggests that we can do anything. But we can't.
As I write this, I'm in the place that I find myself in frequently on the weekend when Diana is working. There are a half-dozen things that I think I want to do, and I can't start any of them. This cycle has been going on for months. To my credit, it's a focus when I see my therapist, and I think that I am making some progress. If I were to try and distill it down to something, it would be that classic fallacy of, "If I can just [condition A], then I can [condition B]." For a lot of folks, that probably goes like, "If only I were rich, then I could do anything." That's not me though. I know that "B" is any of those half-dozen things, but I'm never exactly sure what "A" is. I'm not even sure that it's a tangible condition as much as it is things occupying my ADHD thought spiral brain.
Maybe it doesn't even matter what's in there, because I think that there are ways to make it go away, or reduce it enough to break the cycle of inaction. Music helps. Having things to look forward to is also a good thing, if somewhat counter to the act of being present. That 5mg of THC before bed makes sleep possible. Social interaction seems to whittle down the noise temporarily as well. And sometimes, the thing seems so essential to do that I dive in. It feels like that used to be the thing that drove me, but with time everything seems to compete. I suppose some of that is routine work and parenting.
I think I'm turning a corner. I wrote a little code this week, and while it's hard to keep in it, at least I'm doing it. The passage of time seems to be an emerging motivator.
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