I met a guy at a party tonight that went to school for film and has been freelancing here and there. This summer he's going to go away to NYC to hopefully work, but at the very least just "see the world" and go with it.
I can't even begin to tell you how lame I felt. Here's a guy that was throwing caution to the wind and just living life. My thought at the time was, wow, he's taking a pretty serious risk. I wish I could do something like that.
Now that I've had time to process it though, I realize that it's not really that great of a risk. By definition, risk is the chance you take that you could lose something of a particular value. Let's face it, when you do something like that in your early twenties, there really aren't that many serious risks. You probably don't have a mortgage, big car payments, spouses, babies, a college fund to start, etc. You can own the risk without causing potential harm to others.
When I put it in those terms, obviously someone in my shoes has a lot more risk. To be fair, I took on a lot of risk last year by quitting my day job, and that risk has cost me dearly in various ways (financially and emotionally), but I did take that chance. Stephanie did something similar in that she totally changed academic programs. So far that's working out for her as well. We indeed have taken some chances.
So then if it's not that I don't take risks, what is it about the guy's story that makes me feel so lame? I think it's more the acceptance (or denial) of fear. When you're right out of college, you don't really have a lot of fear. You tend to feel indestructible. As you get older, I don't think taking chances is so much a problem as fear is.
Fear is a powerful motivator. At the most basic level, it helps keep animals alive. Self-preservation comes from fear of so many things, whether they be emotional, health-related, physical or financial. Fear is not a bad thing, and as you progress through life it keeps you from doing ultra-stupid things. I guess that's just being mature.
So in the end, I think that perhaps what made me feel lame was that I allow fear to dictate my behaviour more than I'd like. I'm not sure if that's true really, but I think it's an area I need to explore. Fear helps balance you out, yes, but too much could certainly cripple you. Too little could cause you (or others) harm. I need to find where that healthy balance is supposed to be, and allow it to change over time. Taking risks in and of itself is not the hard part, it's identifying, managing and reacting to fear.
Whew! Now that I've thought that trough, I don't feel so lame anymore. :) I do feel that there are a lot of things that scare me, but my gut reaction is that in most (or some) of those cases, it's healthy fear. Self-preservation. Still, it's a part of me I need to really contemplate.
And by the way, watching college kids interact in a party setting is fascinating.
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