I'm often surprised by the way I can draw parallels between Simon and I, as far as tendencies related to autism and ADHD. My observations on motivation yesterday are an example of that. The bits about being overwhelmed land very squarely on me right now, because life is going to be like that for the next two weeks, until the semester is over and I have 13 straight days of non-work.
The parallels come with a lot of empathy, but also acknowledgment that we are different in many ways. I think the big themes of the way he interacts and interprets the world are similar, though the intensity differs. He's always been far more sound sensitive than I was, but we both had issues walking in sand when we were very little. We definitely have a lot of common experience already socially, and that's heartbreaking. We find it easy to retreat in electronic bliss, though our game preferences are different. We both find comfort in the foods that we like, though he actually will eat more than I would at his age, though it's still limited. (And sidebar... we won't force him to eat things... I think that fucked up my relationship with food permanently.) And of course, we both struggle with scenarios that simply can't be logically reconciled.
So the good news is that I generally feel his pain and his joy as if it were my own. The bad news is that this only goes so far toward making me parent "good." While the empathy runs deep, and I often know exactly where he is emotionally, I don't always react well. And sure, I have my own shit, but sometimes his actions trigger a lot of anger. Some of it is just fear based, because when he says that he can't do something, I rage a bit. I want him to problem solve and self-advocate. Technically I suppose my fear induced rage is a twisted kind of love, but it's not good for either of us. My other big trigger is when he seems oblivious to the impact he's having on our time, even though I know that the amphetamines have long since worn off and a hundred things are competing for his attention.
I have so much anxiety about how he'll do as an adult, and I have to remind myself that a lot of the things that seem like deficiencies have come around, just a little later than what is typical. And I know that his written composition ability can improve, but he needs specific, targeted instruction for that, and I don't think that he's getting it, and I don't even know how to ask for it. I can't even hire experts because there are so few people trained in this area. I'm biased because I'm a writer, and I view the world's opportunity through that lens.
To my credit, I'm getting better about how I interact with him, because it wears on me to do it poorly. A lot of it isn't even about him, it's about my frustration over not knowing how to help him, even though I can empathize. The one thing that I can be confident of though, is that I am at least present. I guess some of my damage is useful.
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