I often feel that we can be judged for the extent of our generosity, or maybe we aren't judged enough for it. It's tricky either way, because generally people don't brag about being generous, since that's weird. I've had mine called into question before, and that kind of annoys me. I don't really want to keep score either because, as I said, it's a little weird.
I've been told that I "tell it the way I see it," which I now understand has more to do with an occasional lack of filtering likely associated with autism. I'm aware of this trait, and sometimes it's valuable, and other times it's not. But it's me either way. Unfortunately, this can be misinterpreted as a sense of self-importance or arrogance, which is not the case. Further, it might be seen as an indication that I'm not empathetic or I don't care about others. And by extension of that, perhaps some people think that I am not generous. This couldn't be further from the reality. In fact, the more I reflect on my life, the more that I feel that my generosity is often taken advantage of.
For the sake of this subject, I'm not talking about philanthropy. I think my record there speaks for itself, given the fundraising activities I've been involved with, or places where my name is engraved on a wall. What I am talking about is the little and big things that I do for others in close proximity. I don't really think twice about these acts, whether it be having people over for drinks, or giving someone a ride, or helping with some task, or volunteer coaching. Maybe I do it in the pursuit if inclusion and belonging, so it's not entirely unselfish, but it does seem like an automatic response.
This may go back to the formal ASD diagnosis, where the psychologist suggested that I have difficulty moving beyond the perception of being slighted by others, but when I'm taking stock over my whole life, I often feel that I've given more than I've taken. I don't like to go there, because I know how toxic it is to keep score in individual relationships. But in aggregate, yeah, I can think of so many instances where I now feel I was kind of used for my generosity. It's not a good feeling.
It begs the question, what do I get out of doing stuff for others? As human beings, it's just what we're supposed to do. But reflective me wonders if the equation is lopsided. So I'm trying to reconcile that, and what it comes down to is that I'd rather do things for others, and risk the inequality, over being a selfish dick. It isn't typical to feel good about being the latter.
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