I wrote recently about "feeling it," with "it" being the weight of the world. Along with those feelings, I feel as if I've been in the process of a very long exhale for weeks now. It's hard to describe.
After the chaos of the last year, it feels as though we're in a transition of sorts, toward something "better." There's a new administration in the White House, but obviously that doesn't mean a lot after two weeks beyond the fact that insane things are no longer dominating the news. White nationalists are still out there, racial injustice still exists, the pandemic still limits everything, the planet is still warming, but there are reasons to believe that these are can improve. On the home front, work has been awesome, I feel like we're getting somewhere with Simon's therapy, Diana is making sense of his future education like a boss, we're in the process of replacing the wrecked car.
Slowly, I'm feeling engaged again, as that week away felt like a transition. But it's really slow going. I get done from work, and in the evening I just kind of switch off. Same thing on the weekends. I'm finding little bits of inspiration, trying to engage more with Simon, look after Diana more (she had a rough migraine week). I posted another video, and I've got ideas for more. I'm feeling a little more like myself.
Isn't that a weird thing to consider? Not feeling like yourself? That's a pretty normal thing to experience already when you cross 40, but throw in everything else, especially a pandemic that largely limits your exploration of the world, and it's worse. Sometimes it's the little things, like wanting to not be on high alert when Diana drives somewhere (following the accident). Other times it's the big things, like wondering if you're impacting the world in a net-positive way.
I'm mildly amused that I just used a breathing metaphor during a pandemic.