One of the things that stood out to me in the psychologist's write up of my ASD diagnosis last year was the suggestion that I was often bitter and hold on to grudges. I know which parts of our conversation would lead her to believe that, but I do feel that's an unfair generalization. Or at least, she couldn't conclude that in five hours.
Small things generally roll off of me. I mean, I can't tell you what the last thing was that Simon did that felt hurtful. There are some big things, or patterns of being wronged that still stick with me.
I often talk myself into believing that I don't care what people think, and that I don't need external validation. Today, that's probably mostly true, but where I harbor resentment is that I think I'm in that place because I never really got what I needed from the people who should have been my biggest advocates. Not needing it is a self-defense mechanism developed over time. That's kind of painful to think about. The big accomplishments in my life, as well as the most difficult failures, went unrecognized by those who, in traditional cultural expectations, should have been first to be there.
There's another side to that though. There have been people who have given me praise for the big things. I didn't really recognize that until recently, and that might have been the autism because it was extremely uncomfortable for me to acknowledge at the time. Many of those same people were there when I was at my lowest.
You can't let others have that power over you, I know this. I don't feel like a bitter victim, I'm just sad that others have had their champions where I have not. Carry that idea with you... it's important to recognize others for their highs and lows.
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