It seems somewhat wrong to be saying this when Diana is in the next room fending off an actual headache, but my brain hurts.
I've had a lot on my mind. Professionally, there's a great deal of opportunity at work, potential other work, and of course, potential in my side-project work. There is so much in front of me that I'm staring in the face of life-changing potential.
If that weren't enough, playing all of these options out gets even harder when I roll up behind Diana in the middle of the night, or see Simon's big smile shooting my way under a blanket when we play "tent." While I know that they're happy just to be part of our little family, it's not lost on me to know that I potentially have the power to change their lives in so many ways.
While I've known for some time that the most important thing to me is that work be interesting, I also find myself concerned that I could be a phony. That's strange for a person who says he doesn't care what anyone else thinks, but the fear is rooted more in failing myself than the opinions of others. I find myself becoming more risk averse, and my priorities keep changing.
There's no question that having opportunity is a good problem to have. I'm sure some people would love to be in my shoes. But it's like being Spiderman, with the bit about, "With great power comes great responsibility." It's not my job to bitch-slap Doc Ock, but the pressure to do the right thing even if it's just for yourself can weigh pretty heavily on you. It can be so heavy that it's possible you'll do nothing at all, and then feel like a washed up dick the rest of your life.
When it comes down to it, the only thing I've ever truly failed at (aside from my first try at marriage) is the act of trying itself. That's probably me being a little hard on myself, or a lot hard on myself, but whatever it is in my head that defines success hasn't been met because I haven't tried. For this, I have to hold on to the notable exceptions. For example, I actually quit a cushy contract job to write my book, which was certainly risky, but I wrote a book that was printed on paper and translated into Chinese. There are a lot of other bullet points since that time that certainly qualify as exceptional efforts.
For now, my brain needs a rest from all of the deep thought. Trying something should help with that.