Those who would take things from me

posted by Jeff | Sunday, October 10, 2021, 10:38 AM | comments: 0

Dreams often manifest fears or worries, as well as joy and happiness (not enough of the latter). In addition to variations on the dead air radio dream and the school dream, I also frequently have dreams about losing stuff, or more specifically having stuff stolen from me. Let me take a stab at interpreting this one.

This theme usually happens in the context of something else going on. Last night's occurrence happened in conjunction with moving, or maybe trying to get home with a bunch of my video equipment after shooting with it. Some of my stuff was in a car, apparently not mine, that I couldn't drive home. So I go to check on it and some of my things are missing from it. The weird thing is that despite the anxiety feelings, I logically know that most things can be replaced.

If I go a little deeper, it's not the end state of not having the material thing that bothers me. The thing is that I feel as though I have been personally violated. When my first major purchase, a bike, was stolen, it felt personal. When someone stole money from me in college while I was in the shower, it felt personal. Honestly, when I came home to a robbed house that was missing the TV and microwave, in sixth grade, it felt personal. It was never really about the things. Heck, a few years ago someone took my two lawn chairs from our campsite while we were out doing things, and it felt personal.

I suspect this anxiety is related to the belonging desire, since it's more about how I'm treated than anything else. It's also weird to think that this isn't the same thing as worrying about what people think of me. I stopped caring about that a long time ago, but I still care about being disrespected, which might seem like a subtle difference, but it's not.

My hope is that this anxiety over respect improves my own behavior toward others, but I know that it doesn't all of the time. As much as I try to start the baseline interaction with any human from a place of respect, I know that I'm terrible at it. Certain things just immediately put me off. I want to be better about that.

On the bright side, if I'm having dreams, it means that I'm sleeping better, and the last year hasn't been especially great for sleeping. I have a new appreciation for mental health and wellness, and talking stuff out really helps.


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