A few minutes ago I was chatting with Stephanie about the good old days. It was two years ago today that she moved out. It was easily the worst day of my life. I can't think of even one that comes close.
As I told her, I don't have any ill feelings about her. We had a pretty good run together. The only real postmortem we can really agree on is that I wasn't able to be the kind of companion that she needed. I thought I could be a provider to her, and that would be good enough, but I didn't fully understand what it was that she needed. She didn't really know either.
The thing people ask me all of the time is if I feel like all that time we were together, about ten and a half years, was wasted. Why would I think that? We had some seriously good times. We were best friends and companions. That's not time wasted at all. I have no regrets.
These interim two years have been good for me in ways that I never expected. The first real significant breakthrough was the knowledge that I have to better take care of myself. I still waffle on this periodically, but I'm getting better at it. I better understand what it is I want to do professionally, and even found a job that I like. I was able to mercilessly focus on getting my financial world in order. These aren't things you can easily do when you have to simultaneously share your life with someone else. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it's sure easier when it's just you.
I also learned how to fall in love again, and I did twice. These experiences, combined with my former marriage, have led me to the firm conclusion that the dynamics of relationships are so complex, that there's no sure-fire way to predict how two people will work together. These three women in my life are very different, and they in turn are different with other people, just as I am different with each of them. That's a fairly startling discovery, that you are very different with every person you have a deep relationship with. It blurs your own perception about what you "need" and who can provide it. Soon you start to realize that your needs aren't even the same from one person to the next. It's not that you compromise, it's that there are different rules. The only real requirements I can nail down is that I end up with someone I can connect with intellectually, emotionally and sexually.
Dating has certainly been a nightmare. I don't like doing it. The serious relationships I've had have been mostly effortless, and dating is too much work. I've met 16 duds since January. Most of the women I've met have no passion about much of anything. I can't be with someone who just allows life to happen to them.
So today marks a somewhat dark anniversary, but I can't say that the long-term outcome has been terrible. I'm relatively happy, but I admit that life is even more fun when you've got someone close who loves you, and you can love back. I'm sure I'll figure it out.
"The serious relationships I've had have been mostly effortless..."
I think that's the key - at least in my experience. If you're 'working' at it then it's not right in the first place.
I often hear people talk about marriage being hard or working on their marriage and I think, "WTF?"
Either I'm just too stupid to know better or I got it right the first time. My marriage is easy and fun...and always has been.
I think you might have misunderstood the "work at marriage" thing, Gonch. I agree if you have to work hard at it from the very beginning, then it never was right to begin with.
But what do you do 10, 15 years down the road when you realize the dynamics in your relationship have changed?
Ideally, two people in a relationship do "work" together and grow together, adapting to changes as we mature and grow. As with everything, if you keep up with the "work" on a daily basis, it doesn't feel like work.
But sometimes people move in completely different directions, and the changes are so subtle until way down the road when suddenly you realize you are at opposite ends of the spectrum.
A lot of people will simply give up and walk away from each other. Sometimes, that's the only way. But for those of us who feel the relationship is worth rekindling, then you have to work much harder at finding that connective balance again. It means a lot more compromise and a lot more learning about who we are as individuals and who we want to be as a couple.
(And it's REALLY irritating when my login doesn't last more than 15 minutes so my posts come up as anonymous. ~ CPLay
I can't really comment on the marriage part of this post, as I've never been married and I haven't found a a suitable prospect in ages.
I can, however, comment on the dating scene. It's horrid. I recently read a post by a guy who quoted an image from a Feb 2007 National Geographic article. It showed where the largest populations of single people are. The Detroit and Cleveland areas were high in single females.
I just wish more of them were at least interesting in conversation. You're right. There's a crapload of people out there who have no passions whatsoever, except say for coitus. While I enjoy coitus, I would prefer her to have other interests outside of that.
Eloquent post about Stephanie, though. Sounds like she was a great person. She seemed cool from the few times I'd encountered her at events.
Good luck with the dating scene, Jeff.
Oh. the image referenced in the article:
http://bp2.blogger.com/_P1KK-Uc_jQo/Rh2GbQgu9ZI/AAAAAAAAAJ8/RdLaoCv_YMY/s1600-h/singlesmap.jpg
The only truth I know is that when it comes to meaningful relationships there are no easy recipes and no sure-fire ingredients.
I think you are absolutely correct, Jeff. The complexity of it all is astounding. But to even realize that, is to be so far ahead I have no doubt, as you said, you will figure it out.
I also want to say that I respect the maturity you have in maintaining positive relationships with those you used to be intimately involved with. That is not easy to do in many cases.
I agree about the dating scene sucking, about all your exes being kick ass (especially one!), and about it not being hard work. Other than that, the more people I meet the more I realize I don't know as much about men and myself as I wish I did. I hope to find someone I can grow with so I don't have to spend my whole life searching! And, I also am interested in coitus, but that's not the only thing (wink!)