The bigger theme of the last meeting with my therapist was about waiting for things, and how that can get in the way of living. It's not a good state to be in.
We tell ourselves that we'll be happy just as soon as some condition is true. Maybe it's not even "happy" that we're after, but you can go about your business once a box has been checked. Looking back at my life, I can see a number of times when I've done this. But I also catalog two instances where I was 100% doing all the things. The first was when Stephanie and I split, which is surprising because there's no time in my life where I was more uncertain about things. For whatever reason, I quit my contract job, started coaching full time, and just winged it. I had no specific plan, but I was spending my time doing stuff that I liked.
The second time I was in this zone was when we moved down here to the OC. Not even four years from the Seattle move, when I was constantly anxious, I was yet again in a new place, with a contract job that I knew would end, a house under construction, and no real idea about how things were going to go. But I went to the job, which I mostly liked, I got a ton of exercise in the humidity, and came home to my still relatively new little family every night. It was great.
In both cases, the future was ambiguous, but I was happy just to be. I was excited, energized, and felt like I was moving. Right now, that's not where I am.
I feel like I'm at a weird crossroad. The job hunt is rough, partly because the market sucks, and partly because I'm trying to be deliberate about not applying for crap. The other factor is that, financially, there is not a rush. I mean, if the market keeps being irrational, I could offboard and try to get into something in the arts, though that's a different kind of struggle. So I'm in a place where there are several options, but I can't really control the outcomes. I'm left being anxious and not able to act. I don't like it. Just not sure how to fix it.
On the bright side, I get to see BMG again tomorrow.
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