What am I waiting for?

posted by Jeff | Sunday, May 16, 2021, 8:16 PM | comments: 0

I've had the unshakable feeling lately that I'm waiting for something, and I couldn't tell you what. Feels like we've been waiting for something for the last year, but at least during that time I knew it was something like "normalcy" or pre-pandemic life. We're starting to get there, and yet, I still feel like I'm waiting for something.

If there's anything about myself that I understand better in the last year, it's that I'm not very nostalgic or sentimental. Like, hardly at all. There are no good old days, which makes me sad. There are definitely periods of awesome, most of which have occurred in my post-divorce life reboot, but I never find myself thinking, "Wow, if only I could go back to those days." With more life experience, knowledge and hopefully wisdom, there is no better time than now. I do miss Simon as a baby, but that didn't last very long either.

I'm pretty sure that the thing that I'm waiting for is bona fide travel, as in, leaving Florida, or even the country. I'd sure love to get on a cruise ship, where people feed me, make my bed, mostly take care of my kid, bring me fruity drinks and drop me off at the beach. I want to go to Europe. Heck, I'd be happy to go to DC and visit the museums and such. If there's anything pent up for me, it's the desire to travel.

I also think that the last year drew a lot of attention to my earlier financial indiscretions, because entering midlife and not being able to do a lot of stuff sure gives you time to think. With that, I've become a little OCD about figuring out if I'm saving enough or what it takes to get to retirement, or even maybe do it a little early. With Simon only seven years away from graduation, it's not too early to think about next steps for us. I'm not waiting for that time, per se, but I am thinking about it daily, and I know I shouldn't.

The other thing that I've frequently done in the last year is think about the tools of my hobbies, where I think, "If I just had this one other thing, I could do the thing." To be fair, that has worked out in spurts of creative output. I shot a bunch of little videos (some still unedited) around the end of last year, in part because I had a camera that inspired me. I acquired software that helped me do stuff. But I still feel like I need to buy just this one more thing, and when I do, that will make me happy. I'm sure that this urge is the one that led to all of the bad decisions in my 20's and early 30's, brought back because we haven't spent much money on travel, the thing we really want to do.

My hope is that the feeling of waiting for something subsides as we get to see people in person more often, and go to shows and theme parks and such. Already, it has been a relief just to hang out with our neighbors a bit now that everyone old enough has been vaccinated. We invited some friends over for dinner, and that will be the first social call to our house in over a year. It'll be crazy when someone crashes in our guest room.


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