I can't even tell you how many times I've written blog posts in my head lately, in the car, at lunch, or even while watching Sesame Street with Simon. My writing frequency has reached an embarrassingly low level lately. It got me to thinking about all of the other things I'm not currently doing that I would like to be.
This was kind of a rough week. The stress of Diana having surgery took its toll on me mentally. Then add in having to take off work (mostly involuntarily, because of the holidays), some frustrations at work, restarting the whole paperwork nonsense with the lender, figuring out the right ways to work with Simon in light of the dyspraxia issue, trying to keep Diana comfortable and healthy while not totally exploiting my extended family, getting Simon up and on the bus for the first time, Simon getting me up overnight... it all took its toll. I can genuinely say that I was a little unhappy, and I haven't felt that way since early this year (for different reasons).
The thing I realized is that life is full. At the moment, it's overflowing, and that's probably what was getting to me. In fact, when I really look at life objectively, I'm actually happy about the fullness of life. Time management is the hard thing.
If Simon and I are both awake and in the same place, I can generally say that we'll be together doing stuff 75% of the time. Maybe that's more than most parents would do, but I love it. Whether it's getting him showered or taking him to occupational therapy (the tourists call it "Disney World"), I engage with him a ton. I've also got my darling wife to look out for, and be her partner and husband, which is also awesome because it's very much a reciprocal arrangement. Add in another 40 hours plus commute time every week for work, and you can see that most of my time is accounted for.
This leaves me in a difficult place, because there are so many things that I want to do, for leisure, hobbies, or my little side business, and there is no time. I don't want to reduce the father/spouse duties, because those are the things that make my life so genuinely fantastic. And yet, it causes me some distress that I'm not doing that other stuff.
The motivational speaker nonsense about, "If you want it, go get it," is such a dramatically oversimplified view of life. It's incompatible when you don't want to give up the things that already make your life a happy thing. Again, where I beat myself up is that I can't do the other stuff as well.
I'll eventually figure this out, of course. I'm living the dream, and I have a great life because of the two very important people I'm with every day. I just don't want to lose the other things that have always made my life enjoyable... especially the endeavors that are creative, imaginative and sometimes intellectual. I'm reminded every day about how important these things are via the eyes of my little boy, who sees the world in a fascinating way. I love that sense of wonder.