There was a time where I used to blog like the words were diarrhea. If I didn't get the words out, they were uncomfortable and I felt all cramped up and uncomfortable. As it turns out, I often blog in my head in those moments where I have the brief opportunity... while driving, standing in the shower or while having a movement. Sometimes that's good enough to alleviate the mental cramping.
And sometimes I worry that I won't have something documented that I'll want to look back on. For example, I can look at posts from 2005 and 2006, scary but in some ways amazing times, and get a pretty good feel for how I felt back then. That's despite the fact that I left a whole lot of details out, specifically my split with Steph, and some extremely important relationships during that time.
I want to write more, but there are things holding me back:
- I don't have the mental bandwidth. Part of the evolution I went through in writing, especially from 2004 to 2009, was to think more carefully about how and what I would write. A short rant about something isn't my style anymore. That kind of consideration means letting the gears turn. The gears are already fully involved at work and trying to think rationally about how to respond to challenges at home with Simon. Sometimes I just don't have anything left.
- My time is prioritized differently. While my key writing time used to be late in the evening, I tend to go to bed a little earlier and get up earlier for work, despite working from home 60% of the time. I want to play with Simon, talk to Diana, learn about new things and maybe even play some video games now and then.
- I don't want to add to the noise. It used to be that people who wrote on the Internet had something to say, and tried to be informed about their opinions. Sure, I'd like to think that's me, but I worry that I would be just another asshat, like the talking heads on cable "news."
- I've dialed back on what I feel I want to share. Back in 2006, I openly wrote about starting a job and not caring for it at first. No one I knew read that stuff. Now I have my name in the domain name. I'm not hard to find.
- The deterrent that I'm least proud of is the fact that I'm actually tired of hearing from people criticizing my sharing and observations around Simon's ASD issues. I famously disregard what people think of me, and here I am worn down by it. Acknowledging this causes a fair amount of self-loathing.
- Stop me if you've heard this one. I feel like some of the things that I want to write about are total repeats. I might be running out of stories, or my life is far more repetitive than I realize.
The truth is, life is good, my job is pretty kick-ass, the sun shines almost every day, there are people who love me and that I can love back... things are generally peachy. It's just that writing isn't serving me right now, and I've never done it for an audience.
I'm sure I'll come around eventually. There is no shortage of topics in my brain.