In search of a quiet mind

posted by Jeff | Thursday, July 28, 2022, 6:45 PM | comments: 0

I've been very forthcoming about the positive effect of taking bupropion. A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of telling my doctor that she made the right choice, and that declaring its use as life changing is not hyperbole. I've felt so different this year. I'm making things again. I'm experiencing intense joy. I'm feeling.

One of the off-label uses of bupropion is to treat ADHD, since it manipulates brain chemistry in a way that is similar to amphetamines used to treat it. Having been diagnosed with that last fall, confirming years of suspicion that I've always had it, I was hopeful that the drug would have some impact there. Unfortunately, it has not. I notice my inability to concentrate quite a bit when I can't get into the hyperfocus mode that helps me follow through on things that I'm excited about. As an example of what I'm talking about, it has taken 20 minutes for me to get this far into writing this blog post. Yeah, it's like that.

What's difficult is that this noise and internally induced distraction has settled into places where it didn't exist before. Sleep is the first and most troubling place. I have to be extra tired or my brain is going through a hundred different things. And if I can get to that REM sleep, then it's repeating the same illogical thing over and over again until I finally wake up. I used to be a champion sleeper, rarely getting up for anything. I'm trying to figure out if there's chemistry at play here, because I can generally squeeze out a 20-minute power nap at will, easily falling asleep. I wonder what's different there.

I also find myself frequently landing in a state of inaction over mundane tasks. Diana will ask me a question about some unimportant thing and I tailspin into a state of "I don't want to make a decision right now." My hobby projects have suffered from this as well.

To throw gas on the fire, some things outside of my control have caused aggravation, and I'm trying to get better at not letting that sort of thing get to me. That's a very hard skill to master.

What it all comes down to is that I desperately want my mind to be quiet at times. The constant noise is exhausting, and it makes me irritable. I used to be good at this, able to lie down somewhere and just let things roll off, but now those attempts often result in heightened anxiety and a busier mind.

I wonder if we ever really figure this sort of thing out.


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