The value of my therapist is pretty extraordinary. She helps lead me to interesting things that are thought provoking and useful for the purpose of better mental health. Today we were talking about the malaise I feel following external validation. Let me see if I can codify what we discussed. It makes sense in my head at least.
For better or worse, people find purpose in work. My earliest career ambition was to work in radio, and when I got there after college, it wasn't what I hoped. It kinda sucked. I did local government TV stuff for three years after that, then left it all for software. I've been doing that ever since. For much of the first half of that career, I kinda let it just happen to me. Then I started to actively manage it. Going to Microsoft was a big deal, and frankly the only time I've really felt any sense of career achievement. I felt this just slightly when I started contracting for SeaWorld, but I think much of that joy was just landing something in Orlando. But as it stands today, I don't know that I'm really reaching for any specific milestones in my career. I like my job and what I get to do, reaching challenging outcomes, but as much of it appeals to my strengths, but I'm not thinking about promotions or salary targets (though I welcome the latter).
Humans seem to struggle, a lot. For many people, especially in poorer nations, a significant portion of their lives are committed to survival. They don't have the luxury of even basic career management. The weird thing is that, even if we are wealthy by comparison, wealth doesn't mean that you're without struggle. I'm not trying to compare looking for food to the kinds of things that I struggle with, because that would be absurd, but it feels like there's always something. Parenting is really, really hard, and I don't feel like I'm doing it right. That's one of my struggles, and there are others I don't really write about.
Still, my struggles do not preclude me from maintaining a sense of curiosity about the world. I'm wondering if that realization explains the overwhelming feeling that I don't feel like I'm moving toward... something (other than the obvious). I know, midlife or whatever. But I keep coming back to the fact that I've hit certain milestones already. I mean that in good and bad ways, in terms of life experience, like I've seen some shit, and experienced a lot of joy. When my therapist asked me, if I could make something happen tomorrow to bring me great joy, what would it be? I didn't have an answer at first. What I did discover is that there are a great many situations that bring joy in the moment, and they are not destinations or milestones.
OK, sometimes they're literal destinations, but not milestones, because I like to travel. Wandering down a random street in London or seeing steam vents in Iceland certainly brought a lot of joy. Meeting people in that context, and even making new friends for life, is also joyful. Making stuff, virtual or otherwise, is great. I really love to see someone succeed in some small part because I enabled them. The thing is, I'm not a box checker, but my cultural indoctrination suggests that I should be, as if that's your purpose.
So the indifference that I regretfully feel toward receiving deserved validation is mostly a function of me not being intrinsically motivated by milestones. They're nice, and I want to be recognized for what I do, but I don't really place the weight on it that I thought I did. In some ways, maybe this is good, because to seek joy means to seek smaller, present situations. It's not that I've achieved all of the things, it's that the achievement isn't what's important to me. Deep down, I knew this, but I couldn't sort it out.
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