My long-time friend Mike Freeze was here in town recently for a conference, and he made the time to visit at my house for a great many hours while I poured drinks and ordered wings. Inevitably the subject of our friend Mary came up, and then we just had her birthday. She would have been 48, complaining about her eyesight like the rest of us. But unfortunately, she took her own life in 2012.
I've never felt compelled to hurt myself, and I feel fortunate about that. I know plenty of other people who have had that urge, and it's scary to think about, and even harder to talk about. Depression runs in my family (whether they realize it or not), and I didn't really even understand that I was dealing with it until a few things lined up to make me see it. My life has been wildly different ever since.
It's not puppies and rainbows always though. I feel incredibly melancholy today. It's hard to pin down why, exactly, though I'm sure it's partly the realization that I've been eating like a moron lately, and my weight, and a rare recurrence of IBS, are reminding me today in an unkind way. I'm also flying solo all weekend, which is kind of a bummer after spending most waking moments last weekend with Diana. It's all temporary feelings, but it seems like they sneak up on me now and then.
I also worry about Simon, because being a teenager is rough. I can appreciate what it means to be a teenager with ADHD and ASD, because as it turns out, I was one too. It isn't fun. He really hasn't found his tribe this year, which is also familiar, and it's heartbreaking. Empathy alone doesn't make me qualified to help, so I worry.
The last time I talked to my therapist, I was generally surprised that, taking inventory, I had worked out most things currently in my orbit. I haven't been in a spot like that in a long time. As in, 8 to 10 years long time. With only so many keystrokes left, I want to be careful about what I spend my time typing about. (That's my middle-age metaphor. You're welcome.) That means trying to be as efficient as possible about maintaining (relatively) good mental health.
Take care of yourself, friends.
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